Ah, Jared's Java. Pleasant taste. Slight Monsterism.

Welcome to the home of my mind, where I brew my intellectual and spiritual joe. Sit back and let me pour you a cup or two. I promise not to cut you off, even after you get the caffeine jitters.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Absence

I’ve spent the last six weeks battling pretty serious depression. That’s what’s up with my “blogstipation.” The last week I’ve managed to stay pretty “up” and have been laboring away on my final project for my degree. I’m getting there. But, the previous five were depression.

I think most people take family for granted. My depression has been due to my isolation. Everyone I know has family that loves them and are involved with them pretty regularly. I don’t have that. I don’t have a mom or brother or child or uncle or cousin or aunt, etc. that calls or visits or encourages or is involved in my life in any real or meaningful way. I know we are covering old info here, but I don’t have a relationship with my folks, my brothers are living transient lifestyles soaked with drugs and alcohol, and my mom doesn’t like my wife. I am an orphan. I truly am.

I don’t think anyone can truly understand me or offer any real help without understanding how much it sucks ass to be so totally alone in this world. I have my wife, and I don’t discount that, but when completely cut off from the people that are your history and the things familiar that made you who you are, it is disorientating and incredibly lonely.

Even when my dad was unfaithful to his marriage vows, he still had his birth family around him. I’ve been faithful to my marriage vows at the cost of my own mental, physical and emotional health, yet I have not what he had. I've been so willing to be there for all of my family when they've needed it most, and, not only have they rejected that, but they have all abandoned me.

When it boils down to it, my life has been defined as me just being a young guy in search of a family that loves him as he is and that he can count on. I haven’t had that to any degree since I was very, very young.

My heart's greatest desire is to be with people who care for me and love me just like they do their own blood. That means being family, not being “like” family. I hope I have that some day soon...because that is what I need more than anything.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't usually comment, but I just have to say something. I'm leaving it anonymous.

I was thinking about you just today. Here is what I think.
- you have some serious issues from your childhood. As evidenced by your recurrent depression and your need for approval and love from others. You have even mentioned on this blog that you crave touch and resent it when others deny this to you. You won't be able to stand up straight and move on with strength and happiness until you go back to your early years and revisit the source of your current need.
-A hole left in your childhood, at your most visceral time, when everyone around you should have been protecting you, will never fully disappear. You have to recognize that you have a RIGHT to be angry and a REASON for the feelings of loss and abandonment. You have been wronged.
- The fact that you're aware of your need is a huge benefit. But look - deal. Go back in your mind and FULLY explore the experiences, injuries, and deprivations of your childhood. Realize the fault of those who should have had your welfare as their first concern. Then, ask God to, THROUGH YOU and for you, forgive those who need to be forgiven. You CAN move on. You have the Treasure, even if it's in an earthen vessel.
-when you and QJ decide to have children, I think you will find a whole new kind of healing. Not only will you be creating your own family, you will have a chance to break cycles and right wrongs. It's a wonderful opportunity...when it happens. I'm not saying you should go have a baby simply in order to improve your mental state.

In this post you say, "my life has been defined as me just being a young guy in search of a family". I would correct that sentence to read "a little boy in search of a family". In some ways you're still there. Growth can only happen with nurturing, and you haven't had enough of that.

I feel for you. This comment was meant to be helpful, so I hope you realize that if I didn't care about you I would have remained silent.

KingJaymz said...

I realize that's well meaning. I appreciate the heart behind the advice.

I ask God every day to forgive my family and to help me forgive them. It is something I have done for a good long while, now. However, it is much easier said than done. I may have to do this every day for the rest of my life.

I have spent too much of my life viewing myself as a little boy. I am a man now, and I'm stepping forward to try to heal from the hurts of my past. I'm no longer cowering in the corner over my situation. I may lament my sorrows, but I'm actually trying to do something about where I am. Hence, I will not see myself in that light. My heart is tender and earnest. Those are often looked upon as "child-like," but I'm not going there. I've never given myself much respect, and I need to. I don't get there by calling myself a little boy.

The truth is, I'm having to try to learn to define myself completely apart from my birth family due to rejection (rather than natural loss over a lifetime). That's a tall order for a man of 26.

I don't have insurance or money for counseling. I have to live with the best that I can do on my own, and I could do with a lot of work with a good cognitive-behavioral therapist (I'm not much of a fan of psycho-therapy).

Thanks for the kind words.

Chelf said...

You are NOT alone. You never have to think that again. You have your wife, and you have blog buddies. You have a church (you did last I knew). You have Christ. We are all orphans, but we have been adopted by God. We have the greatest Father there is.

Now, I don't mean to belittle your feelings of loneliness. I am here to pick you up, and remind you of your blessings.

I have been missing your take on the world at large. Isolation is a good place to think, but not a good place to dwell. You know you could call me anytime, right?

Niki said...

First off, I love the new term - blogstipation. Can I use that? lol

Jared, I hear your heart my friend. I love you and Jen. I'm glad you keep reaching out to others. And I will talk the rest of this through with you over the phone.

It's not the same thing, I know, but you have a family in Denver.

Looney Mom said...

And you know you have a family here in Albuquerque. Not "like" family; FAMILY.

Love you.

R said...

I totally know what you are going through, and I think I have expressed this to you. It sucks bad, but in reality, it is better for you. WAY better. I had to get my head out of the self-pity or the depressing thoughts because I realized that I was better off without the stress of parents who were abusive and who hated my husband.

You made the right choice, and I am glad you are out of your funk. I have no family as well. Or at least, very little. I have been bad mouthed in such shocking ways, I don't even want to know and I don't even remember what was said straight to my face so that I can cope. To top it off, this year I have endured the death of my father and had to go into the pit by myself with all the family to nip at me. God used it. It was a terrible situation, but God saw me, He was there, and He knows me more than anyone else.

The ticket here is obedience, and you and Jen vowed to love and obey each other. No one has rights to trespass in that territory. Not even your mother. She wants to cause division and strife, she's got to go. Your ministry is your wife, not your family. I did go through a grief, so I know what ails you, and I know more than anyone. Everyone has a story, and someone always has it a little worse than someone else.

I think that I came to terms with the fact that I could lose everything---my family, my husband, my children, and I would still have God. I guess that is what is called joy unspeakable. Pray for joy. I will pray for that for you.