Ah, Jared's Java. Pleasant taste. Slight Monsterism.

Welcome to the home of my mind, where I brew my intellectual and spiritual joe. Sit back and let me pour you a cup or two. I promise not to cut you off, even after you get the caffeine jitters.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Sorrow Without Grief and Forgiveness Without Reason

One thing this job is doing for me is giving me a sense of sympathy for what QueenJaymz will be going through when we have children. I will be calling her at several points during the day to see how she is doing. It is difficult when your only conversation companion is the equivalent of a three year-old and you've had to spend your morning watching those stupid kiddie shows like "Bunnytown" and "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse." The psychological damage the music of said shows does to you is beyond comparison. THE VOICES NEVER GO AWAY!!!

Some adult conversation is a wonderful cure for it. But, it only lasts so long. And you need to be able to get out and away from the stupid television (which I can't), so I'll ensure that it's always an option for her.

Speaking of QueenJaymz, she recently started going to Al-Anon. For those of you who don't know, it's the wing of AA that helps those who have parents, siblings, spouses or children with alcoholism. As a result, she's spent a lot of time grieving lately which involves plenty of crying, too. For her, it harkens back to the first four or five years of our marriage. She spent the majority of those years crying and very angry and she has expressed concern about going back to that. However, I have a different perspective on the situation. For those long, torturous years, she spent most of her time expressing sorrow without grief. She didn't really talk about the wellspring of rage and agony within her heart. She just sobbed and yelled a lot.

I know this doesn't sound pretty, but I'm coming around to the point. I married her for many good reasons; the top one being that she is an incredible woman. Her faults have just been more visible than most other peoples' and she gets judged unfairly because of that.

Today, she is working through the pain of the open wounds the disease of alcoholism has left on her. It is intensely excruciating to walk through the process. There are many tears. They do not cause me to grow weary, though. I see where this path leads, and it is to healing and freedom.

I'm so very proud that my precious wife has gathered the courage to walk the path. Most are too cowardly to ever consider it. With the strength that God provides, we will reach the end of the trail together and gaze over the valley from the mountain top. Life will change for the better.

Speaking of courageous individuals, I may just be naming my daughter Ingrid, if I ever have one. Ingrid Betancourt, the former Columbian presidential candidate who has been held, imprisoned and tortured by the FARC rebels for the last six years, gave an interview to Today on NBC, recently. They aired it this morning. She is truly an amazing woman.

She was not prepared to speak about what the rebels did to her for those six years they had her in chains (literally), but she did say that she had no desire to have them arrested, tried and executed. She expressed compassion and said she felt sorry for them. She said something to the effect of, "When I lifted off in that helicopter, I left the jungle and the last six years behind me. Forgiveness is the only way that I can escape that prison."

Those words, to me, sound very much like what Mother Teresa, Francis of Assisi or Brother Lawrence would have said. If I were Catholic, I'd move to canonize her right now, though she hasn't "departed" yet. It is someone like that all countries of the Earth should desire to have lead them. I have a new hero, and I hope she writes a book. I'll buy the first copy and sleep in line for a month to be the first to have her sign it.


doozie said...

I was following a trail of breadcrumbs (blogs), saw your name and decided to check in on you. First I would like to apologize for the way in which I handled our disagreements over your posts in the past.

Second I would like to say I am amazed at the difference I see here in your writing and attitude. This portion of a post especially hit me:

"This works itself out in numerous ways. I struggle with outside criticism. I place too great amount of importance on frivolous things. I lack the understanding of the fundamental principles of maintaining and growing close relationships. Small things can sometimes turn into big things. I over-analyze to compensate for a lack of natural instinct."

I remember a time when coming to your blog, there was a lot of arguing going on in the comment section. I noticed you no longer spend time in the comments trying to enforce your point. As you said "when someone throws a spear, you don't throw it back".

I'm very impressed to see your growth, and I wish you well in your new (ish) job.

Niki said...

1. I'm impressed with the previous comment.
2. Sounds like an amazing lady. Since I don't watch the news and have been living under a rock for the last...oh I don't know, I didn't hear about her.
3. You're blogging more than me. :( Maybe we need to help each other set some writing goals.
4. I miss you guys and promise to call soon.
5. Sorry I'm writing you a list instead of a comment. I'm coming off a 5 day liquid fast and have to think this way or no way at all. :)

Love you brother! Let's chat soon!

MugwumpMom said...

It's been awhile since I've visited but have caught up ... your new job sounds challenging to say the least...here's to hoping you find a way through to balance.

Queenjaymz sounds amazing, courageous, steadfast and you are blessed. Can totally relate to having loved ones snared to the bottle, and hope she continues to learn to take care of herself.

Dapoppins said...

I am glad you are there for you wife...that is more important that you can ever know...

Jan Parrish said...

You are right, your DW needs to work though this emotional pain to get to the other side where she will get healing and freedom. She can't change how they act or react, she can only change how she will act or react. So glad she is getting help and I hope her parents will too. Praying for you all!