Ah, Jared's Java. Pleasant taste. Slight Monsterism.

Welcome to the home of my mind, where I brew my intellectual and spiritual joe. Sit back and let me pour you a cup or two. I promise not to cut you off, even after you get the caffeine jitters.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Mixed Emotions

I can't help but be so grateful for how God has blessed me lately.  I have a job that I'm thoroughly enjoying.  I belong to a couple of really great fellowships where I'm treated with love and respect.  I'm married to a wonderful woman.

However, this time of year is a hard one.  The holidays are near and so I am reminded of all that I don't have.  It isn't that I long for material things, and there are many commercials and advertisements everywhere for things I can't afford.  I find those more obnoxiously annoying than alluring.

The fact of the matter is that I don't have a family.  I've been disowned.  So, while all of the folks I know are talking about their plans to go to so and so's brother's house for Thanksgiving with their kids, or renting that cabin on the coast to have Christmas with their entire family, I'm left thinking, "Well, shit, what am I going to do for the holidays this year?"  You see, most folks lose their family, as they knew it growing up, long after they have children, and often grandchildren, so there is a new sense of being and belonging.  I don't have any of that.  I'm still waiting to be able to afford having a child (no lectures on how you "never have enough money" please; I'm pretty much unemployed and haven't been able to develop a career path that goes beyond $10/hr).

The truth is, it's hard.  And getting invited to someone else's Christmas isn't really a great solution.  It's like getting invited to watch them eat a rich chocolate cake with ice cream.  When you have nothing, it's just all the more a reminder of what they have and you don't.  Unless you've been adopted by whoever has invited you.  If you belong to the family in some deep and meaningful sense (and most all the family members feel that way about you), then it is a positive thing.  If not, see the second sentence of this paragraph.

I'm off to work.



clumsy ox said...

So... you don't want to come for Thanksgiving, then?

Dapoppins said...

When my Grandmother was alive it was mandatory that her three sons and their children and children's children would celebrate the holidays together. Then she passed on about three years ago. And now everyone stays home.

I don't like it at all. My husband likes it...me, not so much. Especially Thanks Giving. So much to be Thankful for, but I have no need to make a whole huge special meal for just us. I do that every night anyway.

Christmas isn't as bad, but we have the kids to keep us busy.

I thought you got on okay with your Dad? But is he too far away?

Dapoppins said...


That is a gorgeous picture.

KingJaymz said...

Ox, I guess we need to talk. If I was invited, I did not remember.

dapoppins, thanks. I took the photo at a home somewhere between yours and mine. It was a house that our fellowship had a prayer retreat at. The colors were mesmerizing and awe-inspiring.

I get along with Dad just fine, it's just that I can't have any contact with him because of my mom. They are still married.

We are in touch with Jen's folks, but that's never been a real familial relationship. It's always been an odd one. Not that we don't love them, but years of alcoholism have caused damage that are not easily repaired. It's hard to explain.

Your situation is somewhat similar to what it was like for me growing up. It was fun to get together with everyone at grandma's house on Christmas, but it can make it difficult on the spouse who married in and didn't grow up in that family culture. Jen expressed this to me after we'd been married for a few years. After many years and wandering through some awkward holiday situations without my family, I understand what she means. So, I can see it both ways.

It's been a while. We should talk soon.

Jasmine's Mommy said...

I know what you mean about the holidays! I always get so depressed because my family is so far away. But...honestly, it's probably the best that I don't spend it with them because of all the insanity.
Sometimes the people in the fellowship are the ones that "becomes your family". At least you get to choose them!

PS Love your blog!