Ah, Jared's Java. Pleasant taste. Slight Monsterism.

Welcome to the home of my mind, where I brew my intellectual and spiritual joe. Sit back and let me pour you a cup or two. I promise not to cut you off, even after you get the caffeine jitters.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Wiping away the cobwebs

I've been silent for a while, and I haven't been able to figure out why. Then, as Jen and I were sitting on the bed, earlier tonight, it hit me like a crowd of office workers after an announcement of free bagels in the conference room: I write to explore how I view and interact with my world, and my relationship to it. I was formerly so prolific because I couldn't quit thinking about it. I was driven by loneliness, isolation and depression to write in an attempt to understand the world I inhabit and the nature of the dysfunction in my relationship to it and the people in it. I don't think about that so much anymore. Some things haven't changed. I still feel generally alone and isolated. I have a lot of acquaintances, but no real friends with which I'm able to stay in close contact and share my heart. The difference is that I'm no longer so uncertain about who I am, so I don't feel such a strong need to have my life, perspective and self-worth validated by an outside source. Hence, I don't pause to reflect nearly as often as I used to about me, my relationships with others or the universe, itself. I am able to accept it as it is without feeling like there's something there that I'm not getting all of the time. I do, still, on occasion, feel as if there is something there that I am not getting, since I don't have any real close friends. But, I find it far less demanding or lamentable. I don't question it so deeply and just move on to the next thing.

So, as I move forward, I'm committing to ask myself more questions about who I am, my relationship to the world in which I live and those who live there. I miss sitting down and having things to say. Writing is therapy for me for that very reason. Here's to more therapy.

Go mbeannai Dia thu

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