I Was Raised By a Cup of Coffee

On Being

2012-01-21T14:43:00.000-08:00

I’ve been spending a lot of time and energy over the last few years exploring my genealogy. I’ve been grateful for the experience, and I have loved learning more about my family’s history.

However, I have learned something profound from the search, apart from my rich and diverse cultural heritage: you can search your family tree and know your roots; you can travel the world and discover things unknown; you can find meaning in identifying with your ethnic roots; and you can do all that without ever understanding who you are as a person or knowing where “home” is for you.

Knowing where you come from can be wonderful. It certainly has been for me. But, it is little more than a cloak with which to wrap the “self” one truly is.

It’s a bit odd, looking back, as I explore this. I once thought that I was on the hunt for the person I truly am. I’m far from the end of the road of exploration of my genealogy, but I’ve come to see that the times I’ve made great discoveries about who I am have not been on genealogy.com or in researching the family line. They’ve been the times that my character has been tested. They’ve been the times when love or hate has filled my being from the top of my head to the bottoms of my feet. It’s been when I’m at the end of myself or on my knees. And, lately, it’s been when I’m standing tall and take what is rightfully mine, rather than allowing it to be taken from me.

I am Jared King. I’m a Scotsman. I’m an Irishman. I’m a Ger-man. And I’m proud of all of these things. But, I’m more proud that I’m a husband of 12 years, most of which have not been easy. I’m a father of a beautiful little girl who had a harrowing journey to start her life in this world. And, I’m a weldor/fabricator, for which I trained hard and earned the right to take my place among my peers.

I’m still searching for “home,” but I’m getting really close to finding it. I’ll have plenty on that when I do.

So, who are you? How did you discover it?

Life and Death

2011-05-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

Last night, the news came, and boy did it come hard. At first, I was just really annoyed that something seemed to be wrong with the new episode of the Simpsons. But, when I realized that actual "breaking news" was occurring, I was somewhat excited. If I were a cable news watcher, I'd not have been phased, but we haven't had cable or satellite TV for years now.

We sat in silence, eyes glued to the screen with the same intensity we felt almost ten years ago when we watched the second tower fall. The analysts on CBS kept saying the same thing: Osama Bin Laden had been killed by a US Joint Ops Task Force and we were awaiting word from the President.

A flood of memories came rushing back. I thought back first to the waning days of the Clinton presidency, when he had ordered missile strikes against a couple of bases that this terrorist guy named "Osama Bin Laden" had been operating out of. Apparently, he was the mastermind behind the strikes on a couple of US embassies in Africa the year before. I thought it was trumped up crap because Monica Lewinsky was taking the stand when Mr. Clinton interrupted all national broadcasts to speak to the American people about the military actions being undertaken on our behalf.

The next time I heard that name was in the days following the 9/11 attacks. I didn't leave my house until three days after the towers fell. I couldn't quit watching the TV, hanging onto some hope that there would be more survivors, that they would dig up some of the living. When it became obvious that nothing would change, I started to try to figure out how I was going to live life again. But, I remember watching this bearded weirdo with a turban on his head delivering an exultant speech about how we finally got ours. Watching the weeping talk about how their life will never be the same because their daddy died on a plane in a field in Pennsylvania, or their brother was buried under the rubble of the south tower, I felt a burning anger for the injustice at their suffering, and a rage toward the man who pulled it all together.

For the next two years, it seemed like it was "All Osama, all the time." More words of hatred and vitriol flowed from him toward us. We saw more footage and heard more tape of his anger toward "the West" as embodied by the United States. Then, as our forces mounted for a long engagement in Afghanistan, the Taliban told us that he said he was sorry in an attempt to save their own asses. We stormed in and scoured the country for him, chasing him into the Tora Bora mountains where he slipped through our grasp, seemingly forever.

Over the last decade, we've seen occasional video, heard tape recordings from him, but all slowly metered out. As if to give just enough of a ghostly presence to embolden those who would take up arms in the name of hatred and unnerve the general public in the US. After a while, many considered him dead somewhere, either in quiet solitude or blown apart and unrecognizable by a blast from the armed forces.

Then, awakening our emotions over this ten year relationship with hatred, as if slapped hard in the face, came the news last night that he had been killed in his compound in Pakistan just that morning. I was confused and saddened. After the president finished his prepared speech, I looked into the eyes of the woman who had been with me through all of this, I teared up and said, "I love you." I'm not sure why, but it just seemed to be the right thing to do. I believe the end of a decade plus in this queer dance with a madman should feel confusing. And the death of another soul, no matter how evil, should never feel good. Death isn't something of which to be jubilant. It is always a sad affair.

Jen got up off the couch, no small task at 21 weeks with child, and meandered into the kitchen to filter some water. The coverage on the television began to shift to the crowd outside the White House, a bunch of younger, college-aged kids chanting "USA! USA! USA!" outside the gates. It seemed odd to me. They were just young children when this all began. A ten year-old does not have fully developed emotions. They couldn't have known what it all meant when this started.

She waddled back in with a small glass filled with the water and began to tend to the plant starts we have sitting on top of the entertainment center, her now very large belly protruding in front of the upper left corner of the TV. I watched her as she, full of our new life, tended to the seedlings that we planted together, as the images of those celebrating death flashed across the screen.

Reflections on family

2010-11-11T15:46:00.000-08:00

Spending time with my brothers is very, very difficult. To say that they drive me crazy would be a dramatic understatement.

My older brother, Jeremy, left home at 15. He had some pretty serious behavioral issues and an extreme love for drugs. So, one thanksgiving night after a huge knockdown drag out with my folks, I helped him count all the change he'd been saving. Why I helped him, I'm not sure. We never really got along. He only wanted to be around me when it was convenient for him and he could use me in some way. Generally, blackmail, on his part, was involved. But, after the change was counted, he went to bed. The next day, he cleaned out his savings account at the tiny bank in town, hitched a ride to the nearest train station and left town.

He never finished high school, did plenty of drugs, continued his abusive behavior with others, and I rarely saw him. He showed up dirty and completely unkempt, with long, uncombed hair to my wedding. It was like getting pictures taken with a strung out Bozo the clown.

I left home at 18. My parents didn't want to let me go, but I went. I got married, and eventually finished college and settled into my life.

My younger brother left home shortly after I did. He's younger by almost 4 years. Drugs, violence and hatred messed him up at a very young age. He was always angry, a fighter. If he didn't get what he wanted, he found a way to force your hand to make you give it to him. And, to top it off, he’s never wrong. Just ask him. He’ll gladly shout you down until you give up any attempt to reason with him and then claim victory. He’s essentially like Eric Cartman, from South Park, except there’s little that is comical about my brother or his behavior.

Both are now off the junk, but little about them is changed. It is like having broken shards of glass stuck in my ears, listening to my younger brother arrogantly spout racial epithets about "those illegals" while he gets drunk at my mom's birthday party. My old brother is better, only mildly. He's burned his brain out on drugs pretty badly. He doesn't talk much. He just sits around and then, every 45 minutes, steps away to a distant part of the lawn to light up a cigarette. He mostly talks to the dogs.

I look at them and wonder that we came from the same parents. I don't get it. I sure don't see the resemblance.

Now, just to be clear, don't feel sorry for me. I couldn't be more grateful for my life. I could've ended up like them, but I didn't. That is happiness and joy enough for me every day. I'm a better man for the pain and struggles I've been through. I wouldn't go back, but I also wouldn't trade them off for anything.

Go mbeannai Dia thu

Wiping away the cobwebs

2010-11-04T23:36:00.000-07:00

I've been silent for a while, and I haven't been able to figure out why. Then, as Jen and I were sitting on the bed, earlier tonight, it hit me like a crowd of office workers after an announcement of free bagels in the conference room: I write to explore how I view and interact with my world, and my relationship to it. I was formerly so prolific because I couldn't quit thinking about it. I was driven by loneliness, isolation and depression to write in an attempt to understand the world I inhabit and the nature of the dysfunction in my relationship to it and the people in it. I don't think about that so much anymore. Some things haven't changed. I still feel generally alone and isolated. I have a lot of acquaintances, but no real friends with which I'm able to stay in close contact and share my heart. The difference is that I'm no longer so uncertain about who I am, so I don't feel such a strong need to have my life, perspective and self-worth validated by an outside source. Hence, I don't pause to reflect nearly as often as I used to about me, my relationships with others or the universe, itself. I am able to accept it as it is without feeling like there's something there that I'm not getting all of the time. I do, still, on occasion, feel as if there is something there that I am not getting, since I don't have any real close friends. But, I find it far less demanding or lamentable. I don't question it so deeply and just move on to the next thing.

So, as I move forward, I'm committing to ask myself more questions about who I am, my relationship to the world in which I live and those who live there. I miss sitting down and having things to say. Writing is therapy for me for that very reason. Here's to more therapy.

Go mbeannai Dia thu

Naw, not us

2010-09-09T10:40:00.000-07:00

"First they came for the immigrants, but I was not an immigrant, so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Muslims and the homosexuals, but I was neither, so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Christian dissenters, but I was not a Christian dissenter, so I did not speak out. And then they came for me, there was no one left to speak." With apologies to the good Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Not for ripping this off, but for not speaking out louder and sooner about freedom and tyranny.

It could happen, people. Beware and be warned. The Germans also said, "Oh, no, that will never happen to us. We'd never do that." It did and they did. Let us remain vigilant for all freedom, and let us lovingly and peacefully speak with our Muslim neighbors (the ones that Jesus said to love as ourselves) about any differences we have with them, and about peaceful resolutions to conflicting desires and interests.

Disconnected?

2010-09-08T11:28:00.001-07:00

After typing up a storm last week, I almost forgot to start writing this week. It's been a busy and long week, already. I'm still here though. So, let me get a running jump at this...

I hear so many people say, "I've heard from the Lord on this decision, so I have peace about it." I hear it on everything from what car to buy to what color of socks to pick out in the morning. I hear it concerning jobs and careers, what school to attend and whether or not to continue a relationship. We Christians have this idea or belief that we ought to hear some sort of an audible voice of God in our minds or "hearts" about decisions we make. Some just think it's all about "bigger" stuff. Some stand in front of their underwear drawer in the morning wondering if it's more spiritual or "Spirit led" to pick the blue ones or the red ones.

The funny thing is, as much as I love and believe in Jesus, I can say that I don't think I've ever heard His voice (maybe once, but that's a long story for another time). I've asked God over and over about different things, and the spiritual community around me during a lot of my formative adult years had me convinced that I needed to wait to hear from God before I made my decision. I never made any important decision, which made it for me. It was a defacto no, constantly. I didn't apply for important career positions, I didn't lay hold of personally enriching opportunities, and I wondered if my choice of purple boxers was spiritual enough to please God, today (which, is pretty funny, eh?).

It wasn't until I quit trying to listen for a response that never came about those issues that my life started moving ahead. I made mistakes for years, but I was actually doing and learning important things, rather than sitting on my hands in fear.

Still, I hear people tell me, "The Lord said I had to sell my car," or "Every decision ought to be led by the Holy Spirit." [A side note for my non-Christian homies that aren't in the know: the Holy Spirit is a part of the Trinity that makes up God, the other being Jesus and the One who we refer to as the Father] Part of me just wants to write off people like that and say they're out of their gourd. Another part wishes that I could claim the same because it would make me "feel" more spiritual. However, then I think about the truth of the matter: I'm not just walking around blindly claiming that God is making all of my decisions for me. I'm standing as culpable for making wise decisions based on my principles before my fellow humans, not just pointing at God, as if I can make Him hold the bag for what stupid thing I did or did not choose. What is more mature and spiritual than taking responsibility for your own actions?

And, just because I don't hear doesn't mean I've quit asking. And, rather, it means I need to have a greater faith in God because I'm living with the hope that He is moving, directing and guiding me mostly beyond the awareness of my cognitive mind. I have to trust that mystical things are happening daily without my ability to perceive it.

And, I don't know if I really need to "hear" God about things. I'll allow the brilliant Rachel Held Evans to sum it up:

I already know what God wants me to do. He wants me to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with him (Micah 6:8). He wants me to love him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength, and to love my neighbor as myself (Matthew 22:36-40). He wants me to go and make disciples of every nation (Matthew 28:19). He wants me to imitate Jesus (Ephesians 5:1). {emphasis mine}

The Price of Peace

2010-09-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

I sometimes ponder what exactly it is that has made me what I am. I'm a follower of Jesus, but I don't follow along with the majority of folks who claim to be the same. You see, I'm awfully stirred up about the way that people who claim to follow Jesus are treating their Muslim neighbors. There's quite the hullabaloo about the planned Islamic Center two blocks from Ground Zero in New York City. The charge of that ruckus is being led by a lot of people from conservative Christianity. A ultra-fundamentalist nut job that has a following in Florida is even planning to go so far as to burn a copy of the Koran this September 11th. He said that it was to show Muslims that we won't be intimidated.

I wonder where Paul's words in Romans 12:18 fit in this whole policy of protestation? Paul instructs followers of Jesus, saying, "If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men." So, how is holding an anti-Muslim rally being at peace with all men? Didn't Jesus say, "Forgive, so that you can be forgiven?" Not that the millions of Muslims living at peace in the US (as they have for centuries) have anything to be forgiven, but the attackers did. So, if we're forgiving the radicals, like Jesus says to do, we should also be loving our neighbors as ourselves, which Jesus also said was tantamount to loving God. And, Paul follows that up with living at peace with all men, so far as it depends on us.

Given those ideas all in context of each other, it seems that Christians should be, at the very least, lovingly tolerant of, and perhaps, fighting tooth and nail to ensure the freedom of Muslims to build their community center. It seems so very hypocritical to call oneself a follower of Jesus and not try to act like Him or obey his commands (which is equivocated to love by the disciple John).

I used to be offended at the saying, "When fascism comes to America, it will be draped in the flag and carrying a cross." I'm not anymore. Sadly, I think its too late to be watching for it. Evidence seems to suggest that it's already here.

Leopold Butters Stotch, Life Coach

2010-09-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

I, quite shamelessly, love South Park. The writing is brilliant, and their take on all issues, political and social, is instructive to people on both sides of it. It can be crass, for certain, but real life isn't rated PG.

Of all the characters, I really have to say that Butters is my favorite. The poor kid goes around being victim to all the others because he is so gullible. He's gullible because he likes to believe the best in others, so he always takes them as being truthful with him. It leads him into plenty of shenanigans and confusion, which often result in his being punished by his overly strict parents.

I think I like Butters so much because, as a child, I was him. I see a poor, kindred spirit that is often made a victim because of his kindness. Because of that, when Butters gets the chance to give the "I've learned something, today" speech at the end of an episode, it makes it all the more impacting.

In the case of Season 11, Episode 2, entitled "Cartman Sucks," Butters is making that speech, having been pushed to the edge of himself. He is, again, on the receiving end of a bad joke that makes his parents think he's bi-curious. He has no idea what that means, spending the entire episode thinking he's considered bi-curious just because he's confused about what that word means. So, he gets sent to a Christian camp where they attempt to reform gay boys by quoting Scripture and praying. His "accountabili-buddy," Bradley, is fraying from the corners down to the very center of the fabric of his sanity, and, after an interchange that's just interpreted in the vein of general friendship by Butters, but interpreted by Bradley as relating to their sexuality, Bradley runs off to commit suicide. Which leads to this scene:

Butters doesn't know what he is, but he is pretty certain that he's being whoever God made him to be, and that's okay. I remember seeing this episode for the first time. It was then that I began to come to terms with who I am and feeling okay with it. I came into adulthood with no ability to handle shame or guilt. That kept me from ever accepting me for who I am. We, as mankind, in all of our diversity, are an image of God. If He is parent to the human race, then we are a reflection of all of His facets. Because of that, it's time we started treating one another with more love and tolerance. We should treat each other as the image of God that we are. But, my point here is that we should treat ourselves in the same way. If we are an image of God, we should give to ourselves the grace and compassion that we would offer another person. God would have us do so. He's big enough to love us as we are.

That which remains

2010-09-05T08:18:00.000-07:00

I mentioned my transition out of depression in my last post. Allow me to clarify: I still feel depressed, sometimes. All human beings do. But, I suffered from what is called "Massive Depressive Disorder." I had since I was about 8 years old. So, for the first time in about 21 years, I'm free of that. And, damn, it feels good.

Sadly, one of the casualties of my healing has been the loss of several relationships. It seems to happen when a person changes. I know this is flashing my geek colors, but it makes me think of the Trill on Star Trek (TNG and DS9). A slug-looking symbiote went from one human-looking Trill host to the next as each host passed on (it wasn't evil, it was just their way), carrying the collective memories, personal traits, etc., of each previous host, and the friends of the previous host body often didn't transition to befriend the new host because they couldn't comprehend or handle the radical change.

I suppose my change has been that significant. Most people change, meaning, are almost completely different, every 10 years. I'm not talking just cellular structures, either, I'm talking significant personality traits, habits, etc. To have made that jump in about 11 months has accelerated the process by eleven times the usual rate. I suppose that's a lot for most people to pick-up on, deal with or comprehend. Few people change so radically when they hit adulthood.

And, since I've made those changes so rapidly, I've observed that some of those old relationships defined me by my depression. And they still relate to me as if I continue to be that depressed person. It's really weird and out of step with who I am now. To be responded to in a place you are not is about as non-sequitor as:

Person one: "Do I turn left here?"
Person two: "Church's Chicken is my favorite. Thanks for asking."

As hilarious as that might sound, in the moment it's very uncomfortable and difficult to respond in a gracious way when the entirety of a conversation with a person is one of those after another. I run the gamut of emotions from wanting to punch them square between the eyes, to wanting to patronizingly pat them on the head, put my hand on their shoulder, wish them the best of luck and just walk away.

To an extent, it's not their fault that I'm not the person they understood me to be. I can't exactly hold that against them. But, there's a letting go on my part, like casting off from a pier, because without an understanding of both parties who the other is, the relationship cannot survive, since its base eroded and one party cannot reform their understanding or way of thinking about the other. On an emotional level, it's much the same feeling individuals with parents who "babied" them beyond a reasonable age felt when that occurred.

So, it is a bit of a lonely time of transition. I'm rebuilding a good portion of my social circle. Unfortunately, it isn't like first grade or kindergarten where you could just walk up to someone and say "Hi, my name is Jared. Wanna be friends?" It takes more time, but it's fine. Not all the caterpillar's friends would want to hang with a butterfly.

It certainly makes me grateful for the friends and acquaintances I have that have always looked beyond the surface circumstances to see who I am, deep down. There are those of you out there who have always believed in me. And I can't thank you enough for that.

Back in the saddle again

2010-09-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

{crickets chirping}, {crickets chirping}, {crickets chirping}, {gust of wind gently whooshes}, {tumble weed gently rolls across foreground}, {a lone coyote howls in the distance}, {approaching steps crunch the hard desert sand underfoot}

Helloooooooo! Anyone out theeeeeeeerrrrrrrrre?! Sure has gotten quiet in these parts. I didn't think that building my blog on an ancient Native American burial ground would be such an awful idea.

Well, it's been a while. I really have missed blogging. I miss what blogging used to be before Facebook. See, back in the day, I had about 30 blogger buds, and we ruled the web together. We'd comment on each others' work on the web, our lives. We'd share prayer requests, encourage each other and provide the kind of support you'd expect to see in only the tightest of communities. I made an attempted come back to blogging in February, and it didn't stick over my disappointment with that loss.

Why did I leave in the first place? Well, I ran into the deepest pool of depression I'd ever been in. I ran out of positive things to say. But, now I'm back. I've actually been depression free for about four months. I had a wonderful therapist who helped me out of it. And, I feel fortunate, because there are more bad therapists out there than good ones.

It's time for me to write again. Writing is something I so greatly enjoy. It's therapy for me, all on its own. It's time for me to have my voice in the world again. I'm ready.

Saint Patrick's Prayer

2010-02-18T16:16:00.000-08:00

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness,
Of the Creator of Creation.

I arise today
Through the strength of Christ's birth with his baptism
Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial
Through the strength of his resurrection with the ascension,
Through the strength of his descent for the judgment of Doom.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of Cherubim,
In obedience of anges,
In the service of archangels,
In hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
In prayers of patriarchs,
In predictions of prophets,
In preaching of apostles,
In faith of confessors,
In innocence of holy virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.

I arise today
Through the strength of heaven:
Light of sun,
Radiance of moon,
Splendor of fire,
Speed of lightning,
Swiftness of wind,
Depth of sea,
Stability of earth,
Firmness of rock.

I arise today
Through God's strength to pilot me:
God's might to uphold me,
God's wisdom to guide me,
God's eye to look before me,
God's ear to hear me,
God's word to speak for me,
God's hand to guard me,
God's way to lie before me,
God's shield to protect me,
God's host to save me
From snares of devils,
From temptations of vices,
From everyone who shall wish me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone and in multitude.

I summon today all these powers between men and those evils,
Against every cruel merciless power that may oppose my body and soul
Against incantations of false prophets,
Against black laws of pagandom,
Against false laws of heretics,
Against craft of idolatry,
Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,
Against every knowledge that corrupts man's body and soul.

Christ to shield me today
Against poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against wounding,
So that there may come to me abundance of reward.
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in threeness,
Through confession of the oneness,
Of the Creator of Creation.

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

2010-02-09T08:56:00.000-08:00

Socrates, er, I mean rabbit farts. That's the answer.

Speaking of Socrates, I'm currently reading this fascinating book entitled "The Death of Socrates" by Emily Wilson. Sadly, few people today know why one of the most renowned sophists in history even drank the hemlock, or what hemlock is...or what a "sophist" is/was.

If you know the history of Socrates, feel free to skip this paragraph. For the unfamiliar, here's the cliff notes of Socrates life: he was a rather homely dude who fought with valiance in several Athenian military campaigns in the fifth century BC, during the time of the city-state super powers (Sparta being one of the other ones). He became a philosopher, which were called "sophists" during their own time, and was a really good one. In spite of his philosophical brilliance, he pissed off a lot of people and was a douche of a husband and father. During a politically sensitive time, somewhat equivalent to post-WWII Germany, he was singled out as a public scapegoat for some bad feelings by some charges at a trial that was unconstitutional and staged by some influential folks (much like the McCarthy trials). He was found guilty of "impiety, not worshiping the gods of the city and corrupting the youth" by a jury of 500 in a 280-220 vote. At his sentencing, the same jury awarded him the death penalty by means of hemlock, a poison.

Now, when I say Socrates was a homely dude, he's so ugly that his mother had to tie rancid meat the butcher threw out to his neck so that the dog would play with him. Hence, where a picture should be, I intentionally left it blank. If you want to see his ugly mug, hit the Internet. Just so you know I warned you.

Reading through Socrates philosophy of religion, which was considered "dangerous" at the time due to circumstances (as noted above), I was inspired. Here's the author's summary on his position:

Strepsiades in the Clouds [as did the Athenians of late 5th century BC] feared that if traditional religious beliefs were lost, morality would also, inevitably, be eroded. Socrates' position in Plato's Euthryphro suggests a strong but subtle response to this non sequitur. He insists that the gods love what is good, but its goodness is independent of their approval. Allowing an external religious authority to guide all decisions is lazy and morally irresponsible. It is even impious, in so far as God or the gods have set us on the quest for ethical truth. If we believe that any action may qualify as holy or good simply because God or the gods approve of it, then God or the gods are morally arbitrary tyrants, and we live in a world where the only right is might. If we imagine that people only ever act 'morally' out of reverence for tradition and fear of divine retribution, then we have already denied the possibility of true moral choice.

Religion, Socrates insisted, must be treated as an inspiration for independent moral thinking, not as a substitute for it. It is easy to see why his vision of religious authority should have been inspiring to his pupils. It is also easy to see why it would have seemed abhorrent to anybody who thought of religion as the glue that binds citizens, families and communities together. (Brackets mine; emphases added by author)

I really like this perspective on a few levels. For one, it indicts those who would abdicate their responsibility to make their own moral determinations to religious authorities. I believe that the vast majority of "evangelical Christians" in America allow their denomination and their chosen political party to do that in the stead of them thinking things through neutrally. To be fair, the same could be said for most "liberal/progressive Christians" (I hate to say it, but I give secularists more credit here because they have to determine what values to live by, though they often, also just choose what family and culture hand them). Where their party or denomination waffle on issues of morality, they do the same and are satisfied by the thinking that's already been done on the subject, so long as they've read it so they can agree.

Christ called on those who would follow Him to the faith of a child, but He did not call them to dumbly follow along with groups of others claiming to represent Him or His interests. This is what a person is doing when they believe that a moral position of any group is an open-and-shut case type of decision. Even if the position is absurd, to do the due diligence to think it through and reason it out for yourself on all sides is, sometimes, a necessary exercise. What initially may sound preposterous to you may, in some cases, actually be a well reasoned position. The problem is the limits of one's own worldview. We cannot possibly know and understand all truth based on what we are taught growing up. I realize that's a loaded statement that would take a lot to unpack, but it's true, and I'll save the unpacking for a different post.

Most people give little thought for acting morally. If hedonistic self-interest or divine retribution are the only basis for which we make moral decisions (which sums up the primary reasons for the big ones), then we are a poor society. One class of people runs around doing as they please, imposing their will as much as possible on their world with little thought to the long-term or cumulative consequences toward others, and the other runs around condemning everyone for everything they do. These aren't far from the truth of today, in the US.

Has God set us on a quest to discover morality and ethics? I think so, insofar as the bible is 2000 years old, and we need to figure out what the words mean today in the world of radically changing of technology proposing new questions that weren't even conceivable to those of the time. Also, what exactly should we do with what are perceived as personal moral commands from On High? How do we translate those to how we treat those that do not share our belief or faith. I could write question after question on these philosophical considerations of faith.

I could do the same with the secular end. If religious faith is not of value, should chastity, celibacy and life-long monogamy really be cast off, as well? What is the value of faith an the unseen, omnipotent force? Does prayer have any worthwhile benefits to consider, apart from religious duties? Are there values that have come through religious observance that have been broadly cast off that are worth resuming?

But, the biggest question I'm sure this blog post leaves you, the reader, with is, "What are the ethics and morals of writing blog posts that are ridiculously long?"

Go mbeannai Dia thu

Because it means something

2010-01-31T00:39:00.000-08:00

I'm setting my goals for the year of 2010. I'm recording them here more for posterity than for feedback, but if you have a question or a suggestion that would help me achieve one of my goals, please feel free to share it.

The list is far from definitive. I'll probably be adding to it throughout the year. As I check off one challenge, another will need to arise to take its place. The list looks significantly more daunting that it is because I was detailed. I see most of these as bare minimums that I'm aiming for if everything in my life goes completely to hell. I plan on achieving much more than this. I'll be recording those, too.

I've also left a few out. Some are too personal for the social space I keep on the Internet. Others, too proprietary to allow others' eyes to take in. I've completely omitted my personal vocational goals, as it relates to me building my own business or intellectual property. You don't want to slap that just anywhere it can be seen.

You'll note that almost all goals are concretely defined, and those that aren't (with the "*" at the end) will be given those details later, or dropped. I will know at the end that I've done them, because they all have definitive language. I'm not just going to "be a better person" or "lose weight". I'm going to know what I want to master and how I will go about it. Goals without solid metrics of measurement aren't worth setting. I'll be a better person at the end of the year, and I'll know how I got there.

I'll remember 2009 as the year that I conquered my depression. 2010 will be for me the year that I conquered the world. Wish me well, but not luck. When you work hard enough, you make all the luck you need.

Jared King’s goals for 2010

Vocational Goals

Raise Postal Connections total sales to $500 daily M-F
Develop a self-perpetuating marketing campaign for the store

Personal Goals

Make a calendar to mark with all pertinent days so that I don’t have something sneak up on me!

Knit something beautiful

o Work on technique in my instruction book

o Knit a scarf (any stitch style)

o Knit a few wash cloths (maybe Pac-Man or Star Trek style)

Learn to play 10 songs fluently from memory on the ocarina

o Learn the proper music notation for the fingering sets on the ocarina so that I can read sheet music

o Work on scales

o Work on a minimum of 3 songs at a time

o Develop a routine for revisiting previously mastered songs so that they stay in my memory and repertoire

o Find other ocarinists in the local area to play with

Brew a “masterpiece” beer

o Brew for “survival” rather than buying beer at the store

o Make wine for Jen every 3 months

Read 36 books

o Read 3 books a month and log them at Goodreads.com to keep track

Work to develop meaningful community in our new apartment complex

o Host some parties (playoff parties, cocktail parties, barbecue cookouts)

o Develop strategies to interact with neighbors in a meaningful way

Become “more” Irish

o Start Irish-Gaelic lessons

o Try to find a cultural group to celebrate traditional holidays with and glean more information on my heritage from

o Read books on the history of Ireland

Send cards out on birthdays and anniversaries this year

o Make a calendar

o Buy cards in advance

Spiritual Goals

Find my ministry, and live it *
Invest in rereading the bible with new eyes

o Read some books on the historical context of the writings of the early church and NT period

Get some perspective on the context of the writings of Paul so I can like him again
o Read some books on it
Reconnect with God on a more intimate level because I want to and because I crave that relationship*
Read some of the ex-canonical books of the NT, but especially 1 Clement

Go mbeannai Dia thu

Lost and Found

2010-01-26T09:45:00.001-08:00

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about who I am. How I define myself. A lot of people say they define themselves by specific values, but the values spoken by the mouth rarely reflect those lived out by the body. It's not that they are incongruent or even antithetical. It's that those spoken are rarely as important as those lived by, though many would try to convince you otherwise by their many words.

I often hear people say that faith is their highest value. I also hear others say social rights of minorities, sustainable living, music...even beer. But what I often see is that these values are lived out in the context of the individual's greatest value: their family.

I certainly wouldn't be quick to criticize that. It's fabulous to have a family to value and live the rest of your life in the context of relationship to. As a matter of fact, I believe that we are hardwired that way by our Creator.

Family is, in many senses, everything. Our greatest losses have to do with them. Our greatest joys are related to their own. Holidays revolve around spending time with them. They are our world, and we see the rest of the world through our relationship to them. In the US, our family is our culture.

The biggest current hurdle that I am endeavoring to overcome is my lack of this grand context in which most everyone else lives their life. It is something you cannot understand unless you have been excommunicated, as I have. How do you define your life, who you are, what the world is like without this context? I'm still figuring that out.

As of late, it has been an embracing of my Irish roots. And it's been somewhat surreal. It really hasn't been a big conscious decision. I didn't wake up one day and decide that I was going to try to look/act more Irish. I'm growing a beard, and decided to go for a modified version of a chin strap. It was a decision based on fashion preference, when I made it. However, it's a very Irish style. My choices in clothes, especially the hats I'm wearing lately, have leaned heavily toward Irish styles (see Irish driving caps). Kelly green and Guinness brown have been my favorite colors for years, but I find myself wearing them more often. In this journey I'm on, my Irishness is becoming a more authentic part of who I am, and I'm enjoying that.

I feel pulled, as if by invisible forces, something deep within my subconscious or unconscious mind, to be choosing these things. I believe it's that drive to fill the lack of meaning being out of the family has left in my life. I'm latching on to what culture I can (not that there's anything wrong to reaching back into one's own cultural heritage on any other occasion; frankly, I feel quite strongly that we should all be doing it). I know a good part of it is coming out of my security in who I feel I am, though I know that also may sound like a paradox, it isn't. I like myself. I think I'm interesting, cultured and fun. I have many varied and passionate interests. I have concern and compassion for those around me. And I don't need others to tell me this all the time for me to believe it. I just do. I'm secure in the work that God is doing in my life, and who I am in relationship to Him. So, quite frankly, I don't care who thinks negatively of me for doing it. Fear of not gaining others' approval was a wall that held me back my entire life. I probably would've started down this road much longer ago if I felt fine with who I am.

But I don't look back. It is enough for me to be content with who I am today. Reliving regrets day after day does nothing but wear down a man's heart and strength. We must press on, joyful we've even found ourselves this far on the journey. A year ago, who I am today was unfathomable. I'm amazed every day by who I am when I wake up in the morning. How I take on the day with vigor and zeal. While still not perfect and with my own troubles, I'm living the life I've always wanted.

Now, I'm off to learn to be more concise ^_^

Go mbeannai Dia thu

Then you might really know what it's like...

2010-01-22T20:46:00.000-08:00

...to have the blues. I always liked that song by Everlast. Irish white rap at it's best (full-on belly laugh).

Today was a day where I had the blues. It's an odd-feeling. It's...uncomfortable. It wasn't always. A few months ago, it was my natural state. It was a nebulous force holding me down. An unwelcome companion following me as I walked the road of life.

There were just a few too many small disappointments today. Things sought and not found. Old wounds opened and raw. Unresolved issues resurfacing to assert their place in my life.

It's odd. I feel removed from myself as I type this, as if I'm staring at me, here in my chair, and looking at what's going on with me and inside of me. Talking (or, rather, typing) seems to take the sting out. Tomorrow will be better. As a matter of fact, tomorrow I'll be doing some more searching, hoping to find some answers to brewing issues needing solved.

Onward and upward.

Go mbeannai Dia thu

Facebook is(n't) narcissism

2010-01-13T23:07:00.001-08:00

Someone I knew in a different life (and a good man), Matt Zrust, said a while back that Facebook is narcissism. I found the thought provoking. Is social networking (Facebook, Twitter, MySpace/Friendster {which, who the hell uses anymore}, LinkedIn) really just about us all stroking out on our keyboards into the dark hoping that someone will give a crap? Is there any hope for real meaning out of the interactions we have in these virtual spaces?

To an extent, I think he's right. There are those in virtual spaces that do nothing but promote themselves, their business or constantly spew menial things out that make a person appear petty, insecure or so self-important that you want nothing to do with them. At least, that's my natural reaction.

However, as our "meat space" lives get more and more crowded with things we must do and keep up with, turning to virtual spaces to fill the void of social interaction is a natural, and healthy, outlet. Believe it or not, those "petty" public space and social relationships that seem meaningless carry much weight in a person's life. We shop at the same stores, eat at the same places, ride the bus with the same people, etc. Imagine if all of your co-worker relationships (the ones you draw any positive benefits from, anyway) just disappeared. You lost your job, and everyone else didn't, and you can't go back to visit. Imagine, on top of that, you moved to a new neighborhood and lost the relationships you had with the wine steward and checkers at your local grocery store. Finally, imagine that you lost all the relationships you have in the place you are spiritually fed (be it a local conservative church or GLBTA support group). However, among all these changes, you can still have your closest friends (provided you have any kind of habit of visiting each others' homes) and your family. Still sad and scary, huh?

I hear the objection coming already: "Most people move plenty of times in their lives and experience these transitions. What do you say to that?" Well, I say "It really sucks making those transitions, don't it?" As a matter of fact, psychologists call stressful things such as moving and losing your job "little deaths". They carry the same toll on your psychological and emotional well-being as someone you know and value dying. Suddenly, all those little relationships add up, don't they?

I tried being off Facebook for a while a few months ago. It didn't work. I came back because there was a longing for the connection, however insignificant it may seem, that I experience here. This is where the people I know relate to one another. To abandon it is to abandon them, for better or for worse.

However, as I just pointed out, not all relationships need to progress to the point of being your best friend for them to carry a significant weight in your life.

But, what does this all mean? How do we form relationships? By sharing with each other just enough to give them an idea of what it might be like to know us deeper. It doesn't mean that we can't be transparent or that we must hide who we truly are, but it occurs on different levels depending on several factors. You share a certain amount with people who have the same rooting interest in (insert local college, semi-pro or pro sports team here), share the same religious beliefs or fandom of the same movie/book series/tv show. You and they "belong" to one another in "public space". You share other things with people to whom you belong "socially" or "in social space", such as a book club, community group, crafting group, church group, etc. You share others with people who come to your home, know your kids, have experience significant life events with you. You belong to each other in "personal space". And, then there are the precious few to whom we belong in "intimate space". Those who know us "naked", as we are. They're generally people you've shared body fluids with, such as a spouse, sibling or parent (and could also include an old war buddy {blood}).

As we progress in life, people move in and out of these spaces. Nothing is fixed. As we grow older and leave home, and certainly when we get married, our parents move somewhere from "close personal" to a space more like social. Many parents struggle to accept the transition. Once close "personal" friends become social connections and people from a public space of belonging may hit it off with you and soon become a personal relationship. It is just the way life is.

But, I digress. In this post-modern age, how do we keep in contact, stay informed and form new bonds? The answer is technology. What we do when we post our status updates is little different than bellying up to the bar at the local pub, sitting on a stump around a small community fire in a village of hunter-gatherers or walking up to a familiar stall at the local market in a small town in the middle east and saying, "Sure was a hot one today, huh?" We are reaching out and testing the waters to see whether our fellow sojourners in this life have any interest in interacting with us at that point in time (or later, as technology has allowed). We are saying "Without you, I am less", which is not wrong for us to do, since it is wired into our DNA to be a part of a community.

So, is Facebook narcissism? Life is narcissism because our mental perspective is completely chained to the inside of our skulls and our vision to the view of our eyes. How do we deal with/overcome that? By doing the best we can...and by gathering those around us who would make us more complete by showing us that there are other ideas and perspectives than our own. And Facebook is really good at that.

What of 2009?

2010-01-05T09:33:00.000-08:00

As I look back on the last year of my life, as narcissists are want to do, I ponder what to make of the year 2009. It was the year the my marriage almost fell apart. It was the longest single period of unemployment I've experienced since I was 13 years old. It was the year that I lost much of everything I had to depression. It was a year of release from place and ministry, as the kids that we mentored left in late 2008. It was the year that we moved back out to the country.

But, those will not define the memory that I carry for 2009. I will remember 2009 as:

- the year a friend took a chance on me, and I made good on my promise to be as good of an employee as a friend, which has earned me much respect in his eyes

- the year that QueenJaymz and I looked back at 10 years of marriage with a sense of accomplishment, of having earned the right to celebrate 10 years together

-the year that QueenJaymz crossed over the threshold into the 30's, and commemorated it by getting a really awesome and meaningful tattoo (by a talented artist)

- the year that I dedicated myself to opening up my own brewery

- the year that I decided that I needed to write a book, and to pursue that with seriousness

- the year that I finally put pieces together to make sense of how and where I fit in to the body of Christ, which informs my current situation and my future ministry (not the paid kind; the real kind most people are taught to believe they aren't capable of without permission and "training")

However, what I will most remember 2009 for is that it was the year that I conquered my long battled foe, depression. I am no longer its slave or victim. I have vanquished the demon that plagued me for many years.

Now, to be fair, it was a journey that found me planting the flag on the peak of the mountain between the last days of 2009 and the first of 2010. But, it was not a single, radically life-changing moment in which it occurred.

I hit a point last year that I decided that I needed to pursue individual counseling therapy. So, I sought out a cognitive-behavioral therapist who did work on an income based scale (since I was just dealing for tips, at the time). I found the Pacific University Counseling Center, which was a godsend. Pursuing therapy with vigor, because cognitive-behavioral therapy is a cooperative therapy between client and counselor, has made all the difference in the world for me.

Now, "Why Cognitive-Behavioral therapy?", you might ask. When I did my degree work in psychology, I chose the school of cognitive-behavioral psychology as my own. It seemed to make the most sense in development of how we humans psychologically developed and related to others (and I find it absolutely incomprehensible how people can believe Freudian or Jungian psychology are appropriate vehicles to deliver a real understanding of how the human mind works). Cognitive-Behavioral therapy approaches the mind from the standpoint that a person's circumstances have a tremendous impact on how we develop and become who we are. However, it acknowledges that there is something special and specific within each person that determines who they are, as well (which I would postulate as the unique part of each person that God puts in us). And, the ultimate goal of cognitive-behavioral therapy is to make the client their own counselor. Its success and effectiveness is based on the outcome of the therapy, not how much the counselor can milk it for while solving your problems for you. Generally, clients are done with therapy between three and six months, many without medication (which I decided that I did not want to pursue as a solution).

I'm scheduled to be done at the end of February (it will be six months, then), but I am hopeful that I will finish up beforehand. The indicators we're using as trackers are showing very good signs right now.

Root for me, pray for me or send positive thoughts my way on this. I'm very excited about how this is tying up. I'll write more about the positive effects this has produced in my life in a later post. This one is getting really long.

Blessings

Thanksgiving alone = good

2009-11-27T09:17:00.000-08:00

Let me start off by saying that by the word "alone", I mean me and QueenJaymz. We spent Thanksgiving alone for the first time since we got married. We don't aspire to spend the holidays alone, however, we will no longer despise the thought.

What I learned on Thanksgiving of 2009:

A pitcher of great beer, a basket of crispy fries and a movie at a McMenamins resort is really pretty awesome on any day of the year.

Panda Express cooks almost all of their entrees to order on Thanksgiving day between 11am and 7pm, so it is fresh, and much more care is given to preparation, since there are so few people there. It is like gourmet Chinese.

It is truly better to be alone than to be with a bunch of other people related to each other, genuinely enjoying each other being reminded of all that you don't have while still feeling like an outsider.

It is truly better to be alone than deal with your own very dysfunctional family drama.

Don't call it a comeback...

2009-10-13T22:26:00.000-07:00

For the longest time, I haven't been able to blog to much effect. It always has turned me inward and sad. I've been carrying this heavy weight of depression around my neck for a long time, but it's become markedly worse in the last couple of years. Getting excommunicated from my family for going to bat for my wife in a spat and meeting a great deal of professional failure after getting my degree have taken their toll on me.

However, I'm doing something about it, finally. I've been taking a good course of therapy for about a month, now. My fifth appointment will be tomorrow morning. I've been doing what is called "Cognitive-Behavioral" Therapy. If you don't know it, look it up. It's worth your while. The end result is to have a positive therapy outcome in as few visits as possible while empowering the client to become their own therapist. I'm feeling really good about it, so far. I've even had "fair to middlin'" emotions, rather than just extreme highs or lows, which is completely new and foreign to me. But, I'm really excited by it.

I'm hoping that as this deathly pallor lifts that I will be able to reengage here, even if nobody really reads this crap. I've missed writing. As some of you know, depression steals all the joy from the joyful things. I'm enjoying things again, so let's hope it sticks. I'm cautiously optimistic.

Hope to post again in the not-so-distant future.

Blessings

Suddenly Arrested

2009-08-11T08:06:00.000-07:00

I was going to blog about other things, today, but the news that Eunice Kennedy Shriver had passed on to the next life arrested my attention.

"What you do to the least of my brothers, I tell you, you also do unto me." A woman driven by her strong faith in Christ, a tragic pre-frontal lobotomy done to her older sister (which her parents were assured by their doctors would make her normal) and a passion to serve "the least of these" led to a life of service not matched by any of her siblings in the Kennedy clan. Hers was the humble route, spurning the fame, limelight and the social privilege of her name to serve underpriviliged children, people leaving incarceration, and, later, serving as vice-president and, eventually, president of the Joseph P. Kennedy Jr Foundation (named after her brother who died in the war), founded by her father, to advance rights and treatment of people with disabilities.

I'm truly saddened by this, our loss. She gave up a life of comfort, liesure and fame to serve the "untouchables" of our culture with love and humility. In so many ways, she is America's own Mother Teresa.

You should follow the link above. It has a much more full obituary that is very worth reading.

Her daughter is Maria Shriver, married to the Governator of Kali-forn-yuh. She and her husband, Sargent, are also survived by four sons.

Lest We Forget

2009-07-24T14:37:00.000-07:00

There are still people out there who randomly do very generous things, just for the sake of kindness and love:

Mystery man hands out gifts at Oregon festival

Five Feet of Knowledge

2009-07-17T08:54:00.001-07:00

Now, for my Jesus following hommes, how about a well rounded education in our faith? I'll hold you to five feet on this one. For Multnomahites, it was a three year ordeal to get all the bible and theology, so that three year education on a five foot bookshelf. What books would you put up there? Let's all agree to disagree agreeably before we get out the door on this one, mmmkay? (in my best Mr. Vandresen impression)

A Solid Foundation

2009-07-17T08:41:00.000-07:00

One hundred years ago, Dr. Charles Eliot proposed that he could fit on a five foot bookshelf the literature necessary to give a person a well rounded, liberal education (meaning arts, history, literature). I really like the premise. For one, it's simple. Not to mention, far less expensive than the two years of college tuition you spend paying for said education.

I want to ask my readers: Do you think that this is still possible in today's world? I'll even give you an extra foot added to the shelf (so six feet total), if you're on the fence. What books would you put up there? Is it even a relevant idea? Let's all agree to disagree agreeably before we get out the door on this one, mmmkay? (in my best Mr. Vandresen impression)

I'll post my thoughts in a couple of days, after the discussion is rolling.

Here are the links to Dr. Eliot's shelf:

http://www.gutenberg.org/wiki/Harvard_Classics_(Bookshelf)

http://www.bartleby.com/hc/

The next piece of the puzzle

2009-07-15T14:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes putting together the pieces of one's life is like putting together a puzzle. One piece fits another, then another, and soon you have a little section in the middle or a good corner to work out from. Other times, it's like putting together a puzzle where each piece seems to fit the piece you are trying physically, but you can tell from the visual pattern that it certainly doesn't belong. You try each piece and they "fit" but they aren't right. Fortunately, things have seemed the former rather than the latter for me, lately.

For those who didn't read my previous post on this issue, this one dove-tails with this one (or this one, for you Facebookers).

A group of us Short Bussers were out helping a friend with his house, since he has cancer and is weak from chemo treatments. I was working at clearing moss from his roof with a friend when I began wondering: "How does all this help make him feel, right now?" and "How will he feel once we all leave and go home?" Then, I began to probe myself: "How would I feel if I were him, getting all of this help?" "How would I feel when everyone left?" I answered those questions with disturbing honesty to myself. I would feel great when everyone was there helping me out. However, when everyone went home, I'd feel empty and sad. I probed deeper and found that I was attempting to make up for what I lack in family by expecting it to come from other places. It wasn't coming from them, so anything anyone else does for me is not enough to make up for it. Ergo: I am always moving from a place of dissatisfaction and am never satisfied. I need to move from that place of appreciation for whatever anyone does for me, and that will then fill me. That was pretty significant.

It isn't the whole picture...but it sure is a good start.

Blessings

The Kurt Cobain Guide to Success

2009-07-13T23:35:00.000-07:00

Sounds like an oxy-moron, I know, but look at what Nirvana became! It was a major juggernaut in the music business at the time of Cobain's tragic death, and it changed the face of rock in the 90's (a vast understatement). The first four pointers below, I pulled from a website called Lateral Action, which is all about entrepreneurialism and innovation (if you're starting to think about inventing, innovation or starting a business, this is a website you can't afford to ignore). The fifth one was my own.

1. Break the status quo.

2. Mix innovation with fundamentals. It make you (or your product) so distinct from others, yet not alienate the core audience.

3. Bake the product into the marketing. Make something that your customers/target audience has to tell others about, or are incredibly motivated to pass along.

4. Be careful who you marry.

5. Don't do drugs. In the end, it leads you down the road to nowhere and abandons you.

I'm working hard at thinking on these things, and I would hope that my friends would be to. The road to freedom is paved by working for yourself. Relying on others for a paycheck merely provides a very false sense of security. You're always expendable, unless you work for you.

Moving from a new place

2009-07-13T14:52:00.000-07:00

I was listening to "Talk of the Nation" on NPR today, and the guest was an author who wrote a book aimed toward those coming out of prison and looking to succeed "on the outside." At one point, he talked about "moving from a different place," the idea being that most people who spend a substantial amount of time in the clink always relate everything back to prison. They talk about it in therapy and support groups. They think about it when reacting to situations they encounter. A story always seems to come up about when they were in the can. They think about that one time this thing happened in the courtyard. You can't do that if you want to succeed. You must find a different frame of mind to "move from" to relate to the world around you.

It brought up something for me. Brace yourself for a "How an episode of Star Trek changed my life" story. Call me a geek, but the themes are significant. As a matter of fact, don't call me a geek. Just listen:

In the inceptional episodes (it was a two-parter) of the series "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" (the best series, by the way), the captain, Benjamin Sisko, is traveling through a worm hole to the Delta Quadrant (a worm hole is a passage through the space-time continuum...just Google it) that was just discovered. They make it, and on the return trip, the ship is stopped at some "place" and he gets out and has an encounter with these "entities" which interact with him through his memories. He goes somewhere in his memory and these entities take on the "cloak" of the people there. The memories keep changing and he goes to several different ones. However, they keep ending up at the tragic memory of where he lost his wife in an attack on the ship they were traveling in. After ending up there for the third or fourth time, he angrily asks the entities "Why do you keep bringing me back here?" Their reply is striking and unexpected: We are not taking you anywhere. You are the one moving. Why do you keep bringing us back here?

That question struck me then, and it made me realize that it was I who was choosing to keep going back to the memories of hurts and wrongs. I kept living in the pain by my own decision. But I wasn't sure what it meant I needed to do. Listening to NPR today cued me into that answer. I need to choose to move from that new place. I need to find that place of love and peace, and go out in my life from there.

Now the questions of "Where is that place?" and "How do I learn to move from there?" are what I'm faced with. That's pretty exciting, because I've been sitting on the "What do I need to do?" for about a year.

Answers are long in coming. However, that's just part of the journey. I can live with answers that take a while. Besides, the quick ones are rarely worth having.

Blessings

Pretentious Matilda

2009-03-19T23:02:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite songs of all time has got to be Waltzing Matilda. It's just an out-right blast to sing with a group of friends. It gets even more fun to sing when a few pints are involved.

So, I'm blowing through Youtube looking for a good, well done rendition of Waltzing Matilda. I'm having a tough time finding one, though. Seriously. It's a bunch of pretentious crap. Every video is of someone trying to be overly artistic with it, or "soulful".

Note to everyone alive...ever: Waltzing Matilda is meant to be sung after you are a couple pints in (or as if you're a couple pints in), belted out at the top of your lungs. A good rendition means you have a talented singing voice and this comes through while you're singing it out. Not like this. That is just annoying. Nor like this. Especially not like this. Do it something like THIS! Is it really all that difficult?

Thank you. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Can Jesus and Christian Radio Co-Exist?

2009-03-05T12:27:00.000-08:00

This time around, I'm putting up a post by a guy I admire. I read his blog all the time. I'll have some new stuff up soon, but this just seemed poigniant and appropriate. I hope you all are touched by this as I was.

_________________________________________________

(I should note, for those unfamiliar: My current job is as a syndicated morning radio host on a Christian radio network.)

Dan Kimball wrote this book They Like Jesus But Not the Church. Or something like that. It's a great book.

I mean, I suspect it is. I haven't read it. I don't think I need to. I get it: People outside the church think Christians are judgmental, simplistic, etc. etc. Got it. But Jesus? He's challenging, revolutionary, fascinating, insightful, mind-blowing, mysterious.

After working in both mainstream and Christian radio, I think I'm ready to write my own book about the many I encounter: They Like Church But Not Jesus.

I mean it. I wrote before: Based on my observation, Jesus is simply not the most influential guy around. I've seen it over, and over, and over. In fact, I'd say it's a theme at my job: People just aren't that into Jesus. He ticks people off.

-------------------

I've been corrected many times by Christians -- after reading something Jesus actually said. They don't like it. I'm serious. "You know, all the commandments can be summed up with love the Lord your God with all your heart, and mind, and soul, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. Jesus said that, and..."

Ringing phones. "Hello?"

"You forgot one: Evangelize."

Jesus stands corrected.

Ring.

"Well, it's not quite that simple, you see, because..."

No, no. It can't be that simple. Not here.

-----------------

You see, we actually talk about Jesus quite a bit on the show. In fact -- and I've been around a bit, including doing mornings at the single most-listened-to CCM station in the country -- and I've never, ever heard a show that talks more about Jesus. We do some bizarre stuff, too (like my award-winning game "Is My Head in a Case?" or playing "Rapper's Delight" in German, etc.) but we talk about Jesus more than any music show I've ever heard.

(Not bragging here. I just think we're doing something kind of experimental. If you're in Christian radio, reading this, and you're doing the same thing -- that's cool. I just don't get out much.)

So more Jesus...but less Christian? How can this be?

I'll connect the dots for me: The things Jesus said, the way of life he gave us, his themes and priorites -- they're simply don't seem very Christian.

If we were to sprinkle in some more hey-I'm-on-your-team-here insider terms, or talk about how America is under attack by (you name it) or just stick to quoting Paul, even -- problem solved. Now it's Christian. Jesus? Mmm -- not so much.

------------------

I know you think I may be exaggerating. I'm not. Not in the least. Today, I read where Jesus told us that when we're praying, we shouldn't babble on "like the pagans do".

I got three very Christian emails of protest, citing scripture to rebut Jesus.

------------------

No big deal, but -- so you know -- it happens again and again. This is where my "If Jesus Had a Blog" stuff comes from, by the way. Real conversations with learned Christians, and real objections to stuff Jesus said.

People do love the Bible. But not the Gospels. They quote Biblical stuff to me all the time, but it's not ever stuff Jesus said.

-------------------

I can't tell you how thankful I am for my job. Ironically -- and all of us here love irony -- I effectively killed my ambition a couple years ago, and since, my platform has grown. It happened immediately after I stopped caring.

I can't believe how understanding my bosses have been. Those of you who are understandably down on Christian radio would be heartened by some of what transpires where I work.

And we get a remarkable number of emails/facebook messages/texts from people who say, "I have never thought about Jesus this way before. Thank you." It can bring tears to a guy's eyes. I wish those people called more on the phone, to be honest, but most people will never call a radio station and talk to an on-air "personality", especially when his head is in a case.

So that's just it. You've got "How can he say that?" on one side, and "I've never thought about Jesus like this before," on another, and there's quite a bit of both, and hundreds of thousands of listeners, and -- I just think something's going to happen. Maybe I'm nuts.

We've had conversations that, I'm quite sure, have never been held on Christian radio before. Sometimes, several of them a day.

The scary part is: I think some people are starting to get it. How long can that continue?

-----------------------------

I have to pray every day for God to help me love these people, the frustrating ones, the Christians bugged by Jesus-talk. I've told my wife, and a few friends, that eventually they will come for me. If I keep talking about Jesus, and keep probing the stuff he said, they're going to come for me. I'm only half-joking.

I'm not worried about the A.C.L.U. It'll be religious leaders. I think there's precedent for that.

-------------------

Please pray for me. I'm not writing this because I'm desperate, or there's anything new here. I just take my job very seriously. It matters a LOT to me what people think of Jesus. At the same time, I always have my own stupid concerns about me.

I want to do great radio, not great Christian radio.

And I want to convey how remarkable Jesus is. How smart he is. How he understands our nature. How infuriating he can be to those in power. I want to subvert a culture that turns the church into an incredibly expensive and remarkably harmless spectator sport. I want people to understand how revolutionary the love of Jesus is.

I don't want to preach at them. I want to be a friend. Doing this is really,really hard. I know your job is hard, too. Thing is, my job has an interesting, seeming, paradox: If I focus a lot on Jesus, I'm going to upset a lot of Christians.

I may not have put any of this very well, but please pray for me

So you think you want to be like Jesus?

2009-02-26T10:23:00.000-08:00

Here are some tips for those Jesus die-hards who think they really want to be like Him. Thanks to John Smulo for this list:

1. Get baptized by the craziest guy in town.

2. Say and do things that are guaranteed to make religious people want to kill you. Repeat again, and again, and again, and again, and again and don't stop unless forced.

3. Do amazing things for people and ask them to not tell anyone.

4. Hang out with the most despised, marginalized, looked down upon, and shunned people you can find.

5. When possible, forgive and restore people, even if they betrayed you.

6. Live in a way that provokes gossip.

7. Win the most grace competition.

8. Keep the party going.

9. Serve people (note: nose plugs may be required).

10. If you're sad, cry.

11. Empower people to do the extraordinary.

12. Act like a rock star in a ~~hotel~~ temple.

13. Radically simplify theology.

14.Break human-made religious laws. Repeat consistently.

15.Prioritize the most important over the important.

16. Let women with questionable backgrounds pay your bills.

Not what you expected? Isn't that the way that the people in Jesus's day reacted toward Him? I love this list, and I want to be more like Jesus, for sure.

Jared needs...

2009-02-25T07:45:00.000-08:00

I'm supposed to tag people who have to do this too, but I don't do that. If you want to play along, awesome. If not, good for you too. If you're tagged, you tagged me, or I thought you'd find this funny.

Jared needs...

1. Jared needs to go! (the Subway one)

2. Jared needs to lay the smack down on these guys (already do on a daily basis)

3. Jared needs a lot more crotch room than you do (um...I won't dispute it)

4. Jared needs your support (always)

5. Jared needs to DIE! (Tell me what I did this time and let me get my sword)

6. Jared needs to kick it up a notch! (BAM!)

7. Jared needs tools

8. Jared needs a hyperbaric chamber

9. Jared needs to get Gus Frerotte the ball (Jared Allen of the Minnesota Vikings's defense, who is an awesome and fun crazy SOB)

10. Jared needs some playing time (do I ever)

11. Jared needs to be stopped! (NEVER!)

12. Jared needs to stop his useless, lie-gilled smear campaign (but I was having so much fun!)

13. Jared needs his own Supernatural episode to shine in (I'm already playing the part)

14. Jared needs to have his face crammed in (see #5)

15. Jared needs a heart transplant (great merciful crap! I only learned this now?!)

I bonused you five extra...you're welcome.

Words cannot describe

2009-02-08T13:30:00.000-08:00

I will not have a chance to give a full review for From Eternity To Here by Frank Viola until late in the week. But, I can give you what I have today.

I only got to page 55. I had to close it and give it to QueenJaymz to read. Let me tell you something. I have been COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY WRECKED by a mere glimpse of God's eternal purpose in Christ Jesus. I don't care who you are or if you consider yourself a follower of Jesus or not, you absolutely must get this book.

The way I feel today is something I hope for every follower of Christ to know and understand in their lifetime, and for every person on this planet to have the chance to experience. Just by the first 55 pages, I have been changed so completely that I will never, ever, ever, ever be the same again. And neither will you.

The book is out on March 1st. Do whatever you have to in order to get a copy of it that day and read the first 55 pages. You'll discover why life is worth living.

Blessings

Check me out!

2009-02-07T22:38:00.000-08:00

My post showed up on Frank Viola's blog! I'm a gettin' ta be a real celebrity on this series of tubes we call the Internets! (thanks Al Gore! I couldn't have done it without you!)

In all seriousness, I'm honored to have shown up there. Frank is one heck of a guy. If you ever get to meet him and talk to him at any length in person, consider yourself blessed.

Thanks for the mention, Frank, and I'll have that review of your new book up soon.

Blessings

I called Frank Viola a dirty name and all I got was this...

2009-02-04T23:48:00.000-08:00

Wait! Never mind. I got this way cool book!

Today, I went to a conference on missional ideas, mainly focusing on recalibrating and re-imagining the church. It all sounds big, but it wasn't. The language was practical and down-to-earth, and the philosophy and principles behind it were sound.

So, Frank Viola (Pagan Christianity, Re-imagining the Church) is there, as are Alan Hirsch (His Forgotten Ways, ReJesus), Leonard Sweet (The Gospel According to Starbucks, Church of the Perfect Storm) and Dan Kimball (They Like Jesus But Not the Church). Dan Kimball goes first, and he's really good. He talked a lot about approaching the gospel message here like missionaries do in foreign countries, which makes too much sense. My favorite quote from his presentation (coming from a girl he'd talked to once):

Pastors are creepy

I could go on, but I'll leave that to dangle. It was really hilarious, and I'll put the link to where you can download the podcast of this conference (it was only four hours) at the end of this article. It probably won't be available until the Monday after next, but you'll have the link.

Frank speaks next. He gets up there, and it almost immediately seemed as if he was out to offend everyone, intentionally. All I can think while he's up there for the first five minutes is, "Man, this guy is an @$$hole! What point is he really trying to get across?" Yet, I couldn't help but feeling like I really liked some of the challenging things he had to say. I couldn't stop myself from gradually coming to really like him. Some of his words seemed almost edgy for being edgy's sake, but most of it really hit me, in a positive way. He also made mention of his new book to release next month, From Eternity To Here. He commented about his passion for what he wrote as the main topic in it with some length. He did us justice by being more than just a commercial for it and giving us a view as to why we should care and how that integrates with our faith.

So, we get a break after he's done speaking (there were panel discussions after each segment, where the audience asked questions and the speakers interacted with one another on each others' material and speech topics), and he is signing books in the lobby. I walk up to him and shake his hand, and he cordially asks what group I'm here with. He signs the copy of Pagan Christianity I brought, and I break in with, "You know, you're kind of an @$$hole."

He replies, "I tried to use humor; did that not help at all?!"

I said "Yeah, a little. But the thing is, people called God's prophets of old @$$holes because they said some things that were controversial but true."

He looked at me with what I interpreted to be some confusion and a twinge of incredulousness mixed with a desire to be affirmed. I said, "You may be kind of an @$$hole, but I can't help but like you...a lot. I really appreciate your perspective."

He thanked me, however seriously, and I moved on.

Later, after almost everything was over, we were in the room we'd had a dinner and round table discussion that followed the seminar. My crew was just about to leave, and I saw him again. I stepped up beside him and said, "I just wanted to let you know that I really got a lot out of your answers in the panel and round table discussion, and that I really appreciated them."

He slips his arm around me gently, having correctly read that I respond well to touch, and said, "You mean to tell me the part of my speech about finding over thirty distinctive and original themes in Genesis 1 and 2 that resonate throughout the entirety of Scripture, and are tied up one-for-one in Revelation 21 and 22 wasn't the best part?"

"Well," I started, "I'm a bible college drop out. I finished my bachelor studies in psychology. Perhaps I'll pore over that subject in the future."

He points to his new book, smiles and proclaims, "You don't have to. I've got you covered!"

I replied, "Yeah, I'm unemployed. That's probably not happening any time soon."

He frowns and points to my copy of The Gospel According to Starbucks and says, "But you got Len's book."

"Yes, and I wouldn't have it unless it was given to me as a gift."

He looks down at the books he's holding, pulls out his new book (that, again, isn't released until next month) and extends it to me as if to offer it.

"Your serious?" I ask.

"Yes." he says back. "Consider it a gift."

"Wow." I'm so grateful that I'm falling all over myself confused. "Thank you. Thanks very much. I really, genuinely appreciate this."

A gal who was in conversation with him just before I came in and engaged him asked eagerly and highly inquisitively, "Do you have a blog?! Are you going to review that?!" I hand her my calling card and tell her to email me and I'll steer her in or friend her on Facebook, since my blog ends up there anyway.

I have much more story to tell about how great this day was, but I'll save that for a later time.

So, what's the moral of the story? Call someone a foul name, and they'll give up good, free stuff. I can't wait to try this at the supermarket tomorrow!

The podcast will be at www.shapevine.com in 10 to 14 days. Go get it!!!

Broken for Y/you

2009-02-01T22:23:00.000-08:00

Broken for you. Broken for You. This is a message the God has been speaking to me lately. Not in the way that modern Christendom conceives, but in a more individual sense, because God relates to and cares about me as a person, too. However, this message isn't just about me or just for me. It is for me to seek to share with others in word and in mission for Him.

It has come to my attention, lately, on so many excruciating levels of just how broken I am. I am not the man of love and peace I portray myself to be. I'm not the great husband and caring friend I fool myself into thinking I am. I'm not the perfect son, the righteous one of the flock carrying on in the way that is perfect. I'm full of anger, self-righteousness, self-loathing, fear, prejudice and imperfection of every kind. It hasn't been easy to constantly face and cope with this on a daily basis, as I have been, for the last month or so.

However, all is not lost. You see, I have been broken for you. Yes, you, reading this right now. You and I live in some sort of relationship which is an integral part of what constitutes the greater community that we exist in. However, I didn't just come to you fresh out of the box, perfect, happy, easy to get along with Jared. No. I came/come to you after years of hardship, of dysfunction, of pain, of rejection. I come to you of brokenness. But, that doesn't just amount to a hill of beans, nor merely add up to personal agony. You see, I'm broken for you. I'm broken so that God may find and test in you that which is good and right, that He has been forming in you. I've been broken so that when discord is created by difference or brokenness, that the drive for true unity and love may be brought to fruition. I've been broken so that my sharp edges and great differences can test the peace of Christ that is supposed to abide in you. I've been broken just for you.

Broken for You, You as in "God" You. I've been broken for His purposes. However, broken for Him is not so much me, but the church is broken for Him and His purposes. In all the politics, do I seek to love Him, because that brokenness is there to test my willingness to love and walk in unity when discord and strife appear unavoidable. Am I willing to love the church when it is hurting me or others when it should be loving them or I on God's behalf? What am I willing to do to see that unity realized? Am I willing to lay down my own anger, no matter how righteous it feels, no matter how deeply it seethes, to practice the unity that Christ prayed for in John 17? Just how far am I willing to go to see what God wants formed in me?

I am broken for you. The church is broken so that the love of Christ may be realized, and, ultimately, that He may be glorified. Embrace me in my brokenness. I will embrace you in the same. Together, we shall achieve God's call...for us.

Just random stuff

2009-01-28T15:57:00.000-08:00

I'm home sick today. My wife likes to share, and she gave me the flu. It's almost unavoidable when a spouse gets sick. All you can do is brace yourself for the impending reality. But, she got over it in about two days, so I should be all ready to go on Friday. I'm certainly hoping so. I have a date with the guys to hit up Slingshot, a local watering hole. They have $2 drafts of Olympia and free shuffle board. That's a good time.

I just started drinking on a batch of beer I made with a couple of proselytes. One was really particular to know what he was getting as an end result, so we did that. It turned out really nicely. I'm thoroughly enjoying it.

I'm still unemployed and just got turned down on a job that I got a second interview on. We'll see what happens. There are more jobs out there than I can apply for, and there are more applicants for each job than can be dealt with, so I'm just hoping that my resume stands out to someone.

In the meantime, I'll still be around...

Blessings

The Ashes

2008-12-18T02:10:00.000-08:00

In myth, it is from the ashes of its old self that the phoenix rises. I suppose that dreams can be like that too. What dreams? I don't have the vision for it right now.

However, the honest work of the hands is a great spirit lifter. As St. Francis of Assisi is reported to once have said, "Work is the prayer of our hands." And paying the bills doesn't hurt either.

The facts are these: I can't be a master brewer for someone else and make a living. I need a job. I need a vision for a career/something to pay the bills long-term.

I'm casting about my resume at some temp agencies tomorrow to get some fast cash for short-term work. Pray for me, or wish me luck (or both).

Blessings

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

2008-12-14T11:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in life, there's nothing you can do, except that which you don't want to do. I find myself at such a crossroads.

Ten years ago, I knew a beer brewer who did quite well for himself. He was making in the neighborhood of $150,000. And he was just employed by a place. Given, he had some other contracts he was brewing for in addition to the place that hired him, he was still making beer and doing well for himself.

I've come to learn, quite disturbingly, that the average brewer can only expect to make about $30,000 a year today. There is a glut of brewers who want jobs, and they've slashed salaries in accordance with the demand of those who want to brew. In some parts of the country, you can live okay on $30,000, but not in the Pacific Northwest.

So, unless I can find a way to become an owner/proprietor of a brewery or brew pub, I'm shit out o' luck on my dream. That brings me more pain than I can express. Actually, I feel more numb than anything else, right now. God's mercy on me to keep me from slipping off the deep end, I guess. However, there's a deep hurt in there.

So, I've dropped out of my spot in the American Brewer's Guild. I don't need any more debt that I can't afford to repay. I need a job, and fast.

Eventually, I figure out something I can do that's in the beer/wine industry. Maybe sales, or being a sommelier/wine steward for some place. Who knows? I'm too numb and angry/hurt to give a shit.

God is as good today as He was six months ago, as He will be six months from now. That's the only reality I have to hold onto.

Blessings

Those rascally politicians

2008-12-10T09:47:00.000-08:00

As I read a story in the AP by Julie H. Davis on the government dealings with the US automakers, I came across this absolutely hilarious quote by Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell:

"Republicans will not allow taxpayers to subsidize failure."

I wonder how much he thought before he blurted that one out. I'm curious as to what he thinks the last 15 years of the Republican party to be.

It'd probably be hilarious if it weren't so damn ironic.

Jesús triunfa sobre Satanás en el glorioso deporte de lucha libre...then rides a dinosaur!

2008-12-08T16:09:00.000-08:00

First things first, good news came back on Pilgrimguide. They did a CT scan which showed no signs of metastasization to any of his organs. Further, biopsies came back, and aside from a little look at the lymph nodes right next to the mass, they believe that the cancer is completely contained within the mass itself. The lymph nodes are swollen, but they think that is because they are trying to fight the cancer. Major relief and comfort for me. After getting the good news, it finally became Christmas in my heart.

I found these on the Interwebz out there, and I had to share them. The first one is a total gem.

Jesus defeats Satan in the honorable sport of Lucha Libre! Woohoo! (I'd ask if this means I get to drink Tecate in church, but good beer and wine is an integral part of the fellowship already)

I'm left a bit dumbstruck by it, as I don't know what to make of it, exactly. Does it make light of His suffering on the cross, or is it a great demonstration of his power over evil? Perhaps it'd be a bit more meaningful if I were Hispanic. But, if that's the case, isn't that akin to Jesus beating and bloodying the devil in the octagon, or throwing the winning touchdown against the San Francisco Demons in the Superbowl? It was worth a laugh, anyway, and God can use foolishness to confound the wise.

This next one just blows me away...

We don't know that the dinosaurs survived the biblical flood
What the hell?!

I love the reasoning here, "We don't know this, but we'll say it probably happened because there's no evidence either way." We don't know that the person who wrote that caption is a pedophilic psychopath who just got the job to be close to vulnerable people, but he probably is! See, it works great no matter where you apply it!

Also, we know that Jesus was anglo or western Europapean of some sort so "Flesh of Christ" is a great descriptor for the "peachish" color. I thought Crayola went overboard when they changed their crayon color name from "flesh" to "peach" with massive apologies and explanations, etc, etc, but this takes the cake at the opposite extreme.

I do have to say, that is a pretty badass picture. It's one that would've made Constantine and Charlemagne proud. I'd put a poster of that on my wall just for the sheer awesomeness of it.

Well, you don't know that I'm now going to go fight ninjas in order to save the earth from its ultimate destruction, but I probably am.

Blessings

Rockin' Robin

2008-12-03T11:56:00.000-08:00

I always thought that Twittr was an incredibly inane and useless application. Now that I know Pilgrimguide is on a new journey with God that includes cancer, all of us who ride the Short Bus with him are considering signing up so that we can receive news as he gets it. It'd be better than checking my email every 5 minutes (which is what I'm doing). Tweet, tweet.

Not much else seems important right now. Be praying for him and his family...and for me.

Blessings

When you think you have it bad

2008-12-01T23:35:00.000-08:00

I just got an email from a man who has been as much (probably more) my spiritual mentor as any other man might claim to be. He had, what doctors believe to be, a cancerous mass removed from his colon.

I'd been pretty fixated on worrying over a few things and handing them over to God over the last week and a half. Now...it seems so small.

Test results will be forthcoming.

Blessings

Courage the cowardly...man

2008-12-01T08:19:00.000-08:00

I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving. I spent mine with Clumsy Ox and his charming family. His mother and father, and his sister, Shan, and her husband and two gorgeous kids were all there. It's surreal that a lot of my blog friends are becoming irl friends. I do enjoy that. None of them have run away screaming...yet, so I must be half-decent in person. I should have brought my knitting. Shan and Ox's mother broght theirs, and QueenJaymz re-learned to knit while we were there. We drank great beer available only on Vancouver Island, played Wii until our arms were sore, and ate way too much good food. They're a blessed bunch, and it was a privilege and a pleasure to spend that time with them. When you come from a dysfunctional home and you get to spend time with others during this part of the year, it can be a great encouragement to know that this is a possibility for what may be for my family, someday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am at another crossroads, of sorts. I seem to end up at one a lot lately. I have a lot of really difficult things to deal and cope with coming down the pike.

As a result of being bullied at school from second or third grade until my senior year (not to mention coming from a dysfunctional home, much thanks to my brothers), I learned to run away and hide when trouble reared its ugly head. I sought refuge by avoiding the harder things because there was nothing I could do about them. That was all I could do when I was being bullied.

However, I carried that mindset into adulthood. "If I don't acknowledge it, I don't have to deal with it" was always my subconscious vein of thought. The trouble is that such a way of dealing with things leads to a coward's life...and lots of negative consequences. So, today is about courageously facing all those things that are difficult to deal with (a sentence ending preposition; my grammar is slipping). Here's to hoping that it all turns out positively. One thing is for sure: it will all turn out bad if I don't attempt to deal with it and advocate for myself.

Blessings

Since You Been Gone

2008-11-13T12:20:00.000-08:00

Listening to Weird Al is great therapy. He finds the oddest ways to laugh at the absurd in life.

I love the requisite bad feelings love song he has on pretty much every album. "Bad Hair Day" has since you been gone, which, to me, seems to be an homage to a very bad, codependent relationship. A codependent and their codependency are not easily parted, but, as little sense any of it seems to make from the outside looking in, they seem gleefully miserable in a bad relationship, and unhappily stable in the absence of one. It is another peek at myself and my codependent tendencies.

Here are the lyrics (the song is masterfully arranged in achapella):

Since you been gone, well it feels like I've been chewing on tin foil
Since you been gone, it's like I got a great big mouthful of cod liver oil
Oh well I'm feeling like I stuck my hand inside a blender and turned it on
You know I've been in a buttload of pain, since you been gone

Since you've been gone
I couldn't feel any worse if you dropped a two-ton bowling ball on my toes
Since you've been gone
It couldn't hurt any more if you shoved a red-hot cactus up my nose

Since you've been gone
Well, it feels like I'm getting tetanus shots every day
Since you've been gone
It's like I've got an ice cream headache that won't go away
Ever since that day you left me
I've been so miserable, my dear
I feel almost as bad as I did when you were still here

-----------------------------------
I finished my first knitting project late last night. I loom knit a cowl for Jen. She urged me to finish it so that she could wear it soon...so I did. It was fun.

Now I'm working on another loom project and my needle knitting skills. And math...speaking of, I'll be getting back to that now.

Blessings

Everything I know is wrong

2008-11-12T18:02:00.000-08:00

There comes times in the life of a man who is honest with himself, and God, that everything he knows about something (perhaps most things) is wrong. A year and a half ago, it was about my faith in Christ (my faith being in a series of successive proofs for the existence and divinity of Christ, rather than in the God-man, Himself). Right now, it’s all about how I communicate with and for relationships with others.

In the healing I received last week, it opened my eyes to a lot of things...things of which God had been mercifully sparing me the knowledge of their existence. As things get better, and I find further healing, it becomes more obvious that the hard work of reforming my thinking, patterns of behavior and heart (which is really His work, as I have no power to change my own heart) lies ahead of me. It’s exciting and scary at the same time.

I tend to be listening to Weird Al ad different points of my journey, often at points of tremendous significance and change. I don’t intentionally seek it; it really just seems to happen. I’ve been listening to his album “Bad Hair Day” a lot lately. He has a song called “Everything You Know Is Wrong” and it hits me in that odd way he does that makes me feel secure in knowing I’m not alone.

Everything You Know Is Wrong

I was drivin’ on the freeway in the fast lane with a rabid wolverine in my underwearWhen suddenly a guy behind me in the back-seat pops right up and cups his hands across my eyes
I guessed, “Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie?
Is it Bob or Joe or Walter?
Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?”
I probably would’ve kept on guessing, but about that time we crashed into the truck
And as I’m laying there, bleeding, on the asphalt, finally I recognized the face of my hibachi dealer, who takes of his prosthetic lips and tells me,

Everything you know is wrong,
Black is white, up is down, and short is long
And everything you found was just so important doesn’t matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is everything you know is wrong

I was walking to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams when I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension
And soon I was abducted by some aliens whose faces kinda looked like Jamie Farr
They sucked out my internal organs and took some Polaroids and said I was a darn good sport
And as a way of saying “Thank you” they offered to transport me back to any point in history that I would care to go
So I had them send me back to last Thursday night so I could pay my phone bill on time
Just then the floating, disembodied head of Colonel Sanders started yelling,

Everything you know is wrong,
Black is white, up is down, and short is long
And everything you found was just so important doesn’t matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is everything you know is wrong

I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin, when I got a nasty paper cut
And, well, to make a long story short it got infected and I died
So, now I’m up in heaven with St. Peter by the pearly gates and it’s obvious that he doesn’t like the Neero jacket I’m wearing
He tells me that they’ve got a dress code
Well, he lets me into heaven anyway, but I get the room next to the noisy ice machine for all eternity
And everyday he runs by screaming,

What, how and hope

2008-11-11T15:32:00.000-08:00

I’ve never fully understood what has been meant in that Christ is our healer. Scripture says it (specifically in Isaiah), and I’ve “believed” it, but I’ve not understood it, outside of knowing people who have been miraculously healed from diseases by God through prayers of the saints (that’d be any Christ follower, not some dude or chick that was decidedly special in the eyes of any spiritual “big-wig”).

Monday last week, I got a real taste of it. I’d been hurting because of some serious struggles I’ve been having. There are ways I’ve never seemed to be able to get out of my own damn way so that what God has created good in me could be expressed toward others. Well, some things had come to a real head, and I was ready to “jump”. Things had become more than I could bear. So, I called a friend from our Short Bus church group. He invited me up to talk about it. So, I went.

I helped him not so gently unload an old shed off the back of a flat-bed that his son-in-law was delivering. Afterward, we went in, dried off a little (it was dark and raining cats and dogs), and got to talking. We talked about a lot of things that had led up to that point, old history and fresh wounds.

At the end of the night, he and his wife sat down and prayed with me. I felt bound up. It literally felt as if I were tied with ropes to the point that I was having trouble breathing. Now, I had felt that way to a certain extent all night long, but it really intensified when we began to pray. But then…something strange happened. As they were praying for my protection and proclaiming God’s sovereignty over my life against the enemy (devil, satan, adversary), it was as if all the ropes tying me up snapped. Suddenly, I felt a surge of strength and courage. I felt old wounds binding and healing. I felt strong enough to face my current circumstances head-on, come what may.

It makes a great anecdote, but it makes an even better life. I can feel a change in me since that happened. I’m no longer procrastinating difficult things out of fear for how they’ll turn out. When tough things are coming, I’m taking them by the horns and wrestling with them. I don’t give up just because things don’t look so great.

I’m not saying that all the things in my life that have caused me hurt and held me back have disappeared or been completely healed. I am still struggling with other things, but I have a different perspective. I’m living in the reality of “if God is with me, what can be against me that He does not set in place?” Christ is my Advocate before the Father, and He is my Advocate in all of my daily circumstances.

God heals. He can and does. He chooses when. I don’t understand the reason or the method, but He does. This healing is also the sum of the prayers that have been prayed for me (many of them by you who are reading this). So, I beg of you, keep praying for me. God is moving and working powerfully in my life. I want His healing for all my hurts, burdens and sins. I want that guilt and shame fully taken from my heart. Your prayers are bearing fruit. Please don’t stop.

Blessings

Playing the dilhole

2008-11-05T10:15:00.000-08:00

I'm not apologetic for how I feel, but I'm remorseful that I don't feel different. That's my disclaimer.

Well, Barak Obama is our president. Woohoo and all that. I'd be saying the same thing if John McCain had won. I wrote in a very well respected friend's name (maybe I'll be his campaign manager in 2012, LOL). I couldn't vote for either candidate, so I didn't. I believe in the inalienable right to live for all innocent life, especially the unborn. McCain changed his stance just before the campaign launched. It could be said that Obama is pro-life, but not for changing laws in regard to abortion. If he is able to accomplish some reforms in assistance to girls/women in crisis, it could lower abortion rates. That's great, and I hope he does.

I want to feel great that the first black president has been elected, but I'm too dystopic about the state of politics. It just doesn't seem to matter who wins, nothing good seems to come of it all.

However, I'm not black, native american or other minority group (as defined by the broader media, anyway), and so there is not the same sense of "our people can" that would probably be there if I were. To the minority communities that were pulling for this, especially the black community, congratulations. I do celebrate the hope that you now feel because of president-elect Obama. I'm glad that you feel the joy and hope of a new day in our country. I wouldn't feel that way no matter who won, so good on ya.

My hope for our new leader is that he makes us feel good to be Americans again, in the way the Ronald Reagan did. President Reagan led with a genuineness and authenticity that won the hearts of his people. I hope that Obama can do that. I wish him well and will pray that God will guide and direct his steps. The Scriptures command us to do so...and I don't imagine that they were too hot on their political leadership at the time Paul wrote that.

So, it may sound douchey, but it's where I'm at. All I can hope is that God will bless America in the right ways, and make us a nation worth looking up to from the rest of the world.

Out of the Darkness...Positivity

2008-10-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

Today, as I was hanging with a tribal buddy of mine from India, it dawned on me...there's more to my story that I have been able to see. God revealed to me that the difficult circumstances, alienation and bullying that I suffered through has instilled in me the gift of encouragement and helps. When you grow up with little help, and with scorn constantly heaped upon you, you learn how important it is to feel loved, supported and cared for. Before, I'd only been able to see how that experience had deeply wounded and scarred me. I'm not saying that this undoes everything or just totally heals it, but I'm so grateful for this peek. It gives me hope that I will see more good come from it in the future. One can dream...

Mixed Emotions

2008-10-22T08:02:00.001-07:00

I can't help but be so grateful for how God has blessed me lately. I have a job that I'm thoroughly enjoying. I belong to a couple of really great fellowships where I'm treated with love and respect. I'm married to a wonderful woman.

However, this time of year is a hard one. The holidays are near and so I am reminded of all that I don't have. It isn't that I long for material things, and there are many commercials and advertisements everywhere for things I can't afford. I find those more obnoxiously annoying than alluring.

The fact of the matter is that I don't have a family. I've been disowned. So, while all of the folks I know are talking about their plans to go to so and so's brother's house for Thanksgiving with their kids, or renting that cabin on the coast to have Christmas with their entire family, I'm left thinking, "Well, shit, what am I going to do for the holidays this year?" You see, most folks lose their family, as they knew it growing up, long after they have children, and often grandchildren, so there is a new sense of being and belonging. I don't have any of that. I'm still waiting to be able to afford having a child (no lectures on how you "never have enough money" please; I'm pretty much unemployed and haven't been able to develop a career path that goes beyond $10/hr).

The truth is, it's hard. And getting invited to someone else's Christmas isn't really a great solution. It's like getting invited to watch them eat a rich chocolate cake with ice cream. When you have nothing, it's just all the more a reminder of what they have and you don't. Unless you've been adopted by whoever has invited you. If you belong to the family in some deep and meaningful sense (and most all the family members feel that way about you), then it is a positive thing. If not, see the second sentence of this paragraph.

I'm off to work.

Blessings

In and Out

2008-10-16T08:27:00.000-07:00

So, I've been absent. I got better, QueenJaymz had a week of vacation, and then I got a job! It's only temporary, but I'll take that. I'm building some outside storage cabinets for some very generous friends.

It's been about seven years since I was doing this professionally, so I'm feeling a little rusty. However, it feels soooooo good to be doing something I love and earning money for it. A big difference between this job and other jobs I've had is that I have the freedom to buy tools I need if I see that I'm lacking them. It's beginning to give me pause about what to do for a living. I'm beginning to think that I will go back into carpentry...working for myself. I like being my own boss, listening to the radio while I work, taking lunch when it suits me, and not having to answer to anyone for why I'm taking my time perfecting things, as opposed to hurrying up and getting it done. I think I'll do a few cut-rate jobs where I charge cost for materials and under-charge for labor to get myself back into the swing of things, then make a decision.

I'm ditching this now, and heading off with eagerness to my job. I feel guilty for getting paid to do this, so I'm anxious to start and do the best that I can.

I'll try to be a little more regular here.

Blessings

Fall Is Coming

2008-10-02T08:42:00.001-07:00

(Again, the above picture is just so hilarious that I could not help but put it up. It has absolutely nothing to do with the post. I love all the beer cans/bottles around the pumpkins. Too funny.)

I know what you're thinking, "But the autumnal equinox has come and gone. Isn't it fall?" Not if you live in the Pacific Northwest. The weather here has been hot, and we've only gotten a few days of rain. That sucks. I'm so done with summer by the last week of June (maybe I've ranted on that several times before). However, when I woke up this morning, it was overcast and it had rained overnight. Huzzah!

So, to pull myself out of the doldrums, I'm going to do a self-indulgent post on what I love about Fall, that fairest season. I only hope it will come on strong soon. I can't wait to feel the taps of rain on top of my head.

The football season is in full swing. I loves me some football!
Hot tea/mulled-cider/cocoa/coffee on cold days tastes better now than it has in five months.
I think women's Fall and Winter clothes are sexier than Spring and Summer fashions, so I enjoy my wife's wardrobe the most at this point of the year.
You can make beer without the assistance of an air-conditioner or refrigerator.
It is a time of turning inward and resting/healing from the arduous labor of Spring and Summer.
The overcast sky keeps the sun from beating on my skin, but especially my eyes (I'm extremely photo-sensitive).
Hot baths come back into fashion, and don't they feel great?
Thick comfy socks.
The best network shows have their seasons during this time.
Candles and oil lamps to light the home.
The smell of home-baked goods.
Darker beers taste especially good.
The chill of a cool Fall/Winter breeze on your cheek.

Enough self-indulgence. I'll be back with more, tomorrow. I'll have something really worth reading then. I mean that.

Jared

Slowly Getting Off the Pavement

2008-09-30T22:13:00.000-07:00

The above picture has absolutely nothing to do with this post. It just made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants (but went into a coughing fit, instead, which became really strong hiccups that almost made me puke, which made me wish I had just pissed my pants instead).

I went to the doctor yesterday, since I was running out of insurance, and he told me that I used to have a cold, but I'm now over it. However, my cold symptoms got to me and caused inflammation of my lungs, bronchial tubes, etc, and that I can expect to feel this way for another three weeks. I'll be progressively getting off the mat. He prescribed me enough stuff to get me through the next three weeks to quell the symptoms. I got my first ever inhaler, a codeine cough syrup, and another cough suppressant. I hate taking drugs. But, since taking them first last night, I'm significantly better, overall. So, I'll be taking them. Much thanks to all who are praying for me. Please keep doing so.

I'm tired, and I got called to go in to work tomorrow for 4 hours. I am on-call, and I need $44 for food and rent, so I'll be going in. Plus, the supervisor who asked me is a helluva guy.

Back with more in the not too distant future.

Blessings

Yeah...still...

2008-09-29T08:42:00.000-07:00

Still sick. Don't ask, I don't know. I have unavoidable errands that I need to spend my day doing, and I'm not feeling up to it. However, I like getting paid for the work I did, so I need to go turn in a time card, drop off a box at the UPS store, go to my chiropractic appointment, visit a friend, and probably end up in urgent care tonight before my health insurance runs out tomorrow.

So, if you's be a prayer, please pray for me. I need God to hear me out. My sanity is beginning to slowly fade away. I need to know what His plan for this prolonged sickness is. I think there's something I probably need to accomplish at this time.

Now get out there and "cell phones"

2008-09-25T11:44:00.000-07:00

I hate cell phones. Mine is a tool for my life, not a way of life. If I want it on, I turn it on. When I don't want to be bothered or am visiting someone I (*GASP*) turn it off.

I have Net10 as a service provider for my mobile phone. Allow me to say, after you get everything set up, it's great. No surprises, no catches. Just ten cents a minute for talk and a nickel per text message. Oh, and unlimited everything for about $80 a month, and that's all inclusive (taxes, fees, everything).

So, I decided I'm done with my little piece o' crap Nokia that Net10 actually paid me to take when the transaction was all said and done (I paid $20 for the phone and got $30 of airtime for free). The deal with Nokias is that...they're pieces o' crap. They take "special" headset jacks, the volume isn't great on the handset, and this one is not a flip phone, so my crotch or my a$$ (depending on the pocket it was in) is constantly dialing my contacts.

I go onto Net10's website and find the phone I want, and then order it. They pay me, again ($54 for a phone and 900 minutes of air time), and I anxiously await my phone.

Two business days later, it arrives...like this.

FedEx took good care of it.

So, I drag my feet for a few hours, pound a cold one, play some video games, watch cruel and moronic frat boys give pink bellies to senior citizens on youtube (okay, I made that last one up). Finally, I get up the gall to call customer support, and this guy's cousin answers.

The resulting conversation goes pretty much just like this (caution: some foul language), except with less resolution and with me being completely dependent on the limits of his competency to get my address correct so that a replacement phone could be shipped to me (I had to correct him at least 10 times, not including the additional 7 times I had to restate my apartment number, just to have him say that it wasn't really necessary, and me explaining to him why it was because FedEx won't just drop the package the the driveway entrance to my apartment complex, and then restating my apartment number to him again 3 more times).

So, I'm just hoping and praying that he got enough of my information right so that the phone will end up here...by "here" I mean my apartment, not the driveway entrance. I'm still waiting for it. I think it was on this truck.

I hate cell phones.

Bleh...

2008-09-25T08:16:00.000-07:00

I working on day three of laying on the couch all day because I'm sick. I've had this d#%@ head cold for about two weeks, but it's really rearing its ugly head all of a sudden. I'm hoping that the getting worse means that I'll be getting better in the very near future.

All this sitting around on the couch is beginning to make me a bit...um...is "batty" the polite word for "apesh%@"? I'm sucking down tea (green, black and herbal) like there's no tomorrow. A diet that subsists of low sodium Saltines and Sierra Mist isn't any way to live.

Here's to hoping that I feel better very, very (VERY!!) soon ;)

A radical idea that is sure to piss you off...

2008-09-23T14:17:00.000-07:00

One of my new favorite people in the whole-wide world is Brant Hansen. He's very astute at noticing how things are vs. how they should be. Before reading the rest of my post, go check out his hilarious and enlightening post here...no, seriously, go do it. I'll wait.

...

Okay, now that you're back, here's the radical idea that is sure to piss you off. Contemplating what Jesus called us to, versus what we, as the body of Christ, are doing (or rather failing) to do today, I postulate that anything short of questioning the deity of Christ, his perfect life on earth and the salvific efficacy of his work on the cross, there is no legitimate reason to spilt, divide or otherwise create denominational lines.

Jesus called us to a way of living, not of new rule-making and doctrine dividing. We are actually out of God's will by dividing into different denominations because it causes us to major on the minors and become distracted from the true work that God has put us here to do. Unity isn't just a call that Jesus and Paul made that is fulfilled by us all belonging to the universal to the body of Christ, it is the willful and intentional act to continue on in faith together in-spite of our doctrinal differences, which you see Paul appeal especially to the Corinthians about throughout his epistles to them.

The fact is, by dividing over differences in doctrine (as minute as they are), we are saying that they are far more important than our common faith in Christ. Who cares if it is before or after baptism? Why not just be ready to baptize at the moment of a person's profession of faith like in the early church? Who cares if God's will or man's choice is the emphasis of saving us? Why not just care about the salvation of those who need Jesus? Who cares if you want communion at the same time every Sunday or once a month? Why not special emphasis on an extended period of communion once a month, and a slightly shorter form of communion on Sunday mornings?

The fact of the matter is, Jesus didn't say that we'd be known by our correct doctrine, as much as we try to prove that by how we live and act toward fellow believers who differ from us doctrinally. Jesus said we'd be known by our love for one-another...and we're failing miserably as a "church culture" at doing that one simple thing.

The greatest command is to love God with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love our neighbor as our self. Further, we are to go out into all the world and make disciples among all the nations. As long as we stay divided, we'll be failing these greatest commands.

If the American church joined together, and focused on what's really important, we could single-handedly wipe out hunger and poverty across the nation. There is that much money in the Church. Do we really care about our doctrine so much that it will keep us from doing this?

I know many will jump on the, "What about the warnings against the gnostics in the early church?" Again, they minimized or neglected parts of the deity of Christ and changed parts of the story. That's obvious to spot. And, lets remember the parable of the wheat and the tares. It's not our job to pluck up what we think are tares (which I know I've been guilty of in the past). It's our job to love, instruct and disciple.

So, my appeal to the Church in the entire world, but especially the American Church (we should be examples and positive trend setters), won't you give up endless, petty arguments about your pet doctrines? Won't you join with your brothers and sisters in the Lord and do something meaningful to bring the Kingdom of Heaven to earth? Won't you be obedient to He who you call Lord, and be unified, rather than choosing to divide, because of your faith in Him?

A couple of thoughts

2008-09-22T07:51:00.000-07:00

I love having a blog that is my place. I make the rules. I allow or delete comments. I make posts with no literary flow. Golden. I'm master of the inane.

I've been thinking lately since I've been reading Brant Hansen's blog, Letters from Kamp Krusty. The guy has a perspective that is incredibly insightful. Plus, he puts it in such a way that makes you laugh your a** off. Anyway, this part of the post is essentially a rip of the idea(s) from one of his posts that I really resonated with (see his post here).

I have always asked myself, "What does it mean to be one of the 'poor in spirit' like Jesus talked about in the Beattitudes?" According to Dallas Willard, it's something like "Good news! In my kingdom, even the spiritually bankrupt get invites!"

I sincerely hope that is the right interpretation. I'm not a very "spiritual" person. I have many friends who have a charismatic type of faith (considered by most to be "more spiritual"), and I'm often uncomfortable talking to them about it. I'm a fan of them having a charismatic faith, but it's something that I don't have. At least, in the way our (church) culture has defined it. I don't speak in tongues or have testimonies of miraculous healings.

But it goes further than that. I hear even less charismatic folk say, "The other day, I could tell the Lord was saying such and such to me." That's great for them. I'm a fan of them having that kind of faith. But, I don't. The best I can ever muster is, "I think, maybe, that God was trying to tell me such and such, the other day, but I'm not really sure."

Some people pray prayers that are full of spiritual inspiration. Mine are usually just a repeating, word for word, but in "beseeching form", the prayer request that was made.

My spirituality, or apparent lack, thereof, has never made me question the idea of being a follower of Jesus. The goodness of His living and teachings are indisputable. His central message is of God's care for His children, and an inheritance of the kingdom of heaven to those with no inheritance, such as the sick (like those who suffer with AIDS), the widow and orphan (those abandoned by the ones they need the most), and those who society has rejected (the foreigner, the outsider, the different). That's me. That's the portion I want. That's the portion I live to inherit. It is the portion that God gives as a gift, out of generosity, and I'm so thankful He does.

-----------------------------------

With my recent disposition from dis position at work I used to have, I'm finding out, on short order, who is acting as a true friend, and the fair weather folk who don't want much to do with it. Might I suggest to you a new definition for a true friend? They're like the bomb squad. When everyone else is running away from trouble, they are courageously running toward it. If you have a friend who finds themself in this same situation, sit with them a while, ask lots of questions, and show that you give a crap, because it isn't always as simple as, "I lost my job."

Since I'm unemployed, you can expect to hear from me more often. Writing is the salve that keeps my soul healthy during these tough times.

Werk, 'n stuff

2008-09-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

After the entry on my Facebook update, I owe my loving friends an explanation. The paraplegic that I was working one-on-one with emailed my boss on Monday. She met in private with him on Tuesday. We had a meeting Friday morning (yesterday). He emailed her, told a few lies about me, and then demanded my immediate removal as his primary care-giver. The company currently has no permanate full-time openings, so I'm a casual on-call floater. As such, my benefits are being revoked, and I'm guaranteed no hours.

It sucks to think about. But, in a sense, I am free. It was becoming a difficult situation there. He claims to be a Christian, yet tries to grab the asses of the female care givers. He charges others with legalism, when he is the one creating new laws. He uses racial slurs frequently, and judges others harshly. Because I think/thought I share his faith, I called him to a place of accountability for his actions using Scripture. I challenged him to do more than sit in front of the computer and play games/stare at porn/pay for internet scams, because he is incredibly capable and intelligent. Apparently, he didn't like wearing the shoes of a man who is accountable for the life he is living.

I walk away clean, and I told my boss the same. In spite of his frequent insults, harrassment of staff and housemates and constant disregard for the safety of those around him (he was constantly having close calls with his power chair, often just barely missing seriously injuring innocent bystanders), I never compromised the care I gave him. Everyday, I took my job in providing his care to be God's task for me. I used discernment, grace and love as tools to get through my day, no matter what happened. I'm not perfect, and I made mistakes, but I always manned up and took responsibility. When given criticism, I stood accountable and took it to heart. When I was made aware of an offense, I always apologized and refrained from repeating.

So, I'm looking for a new gig, something not in the field of developmental disabilities. Anyone who knows where I live know of someone who wants to hire an honest, hard-working guy who will put in a whole-hearted effort every day?

How Do We Remember?

2008-09-11T07:45:00.000-07:00

As I realized that today is 9/11, I got a shock through my entire body. Maybe that's how my grandfolks' generation remembers Pearl Harbor day. I was gripped with remembrance of severe shock and sorrow that watching the unfolding events brought on. I saw some archival footage of the crash just a few days ago, and I nearly wept at the sight of it.

However, as I consider the dramatic images and the loss that happened that day, I'm filled with a gratefulness for what didn't happen. As scary and dramatic as it all was, we could have lost so many more. The death toll ended up coming in somewhere around 3000. With the number of people around both places, it could have easily been five to eight times that. If the attacks happened later, it could have been fifteen to thirty times that at the twin towers, alone.

To me, this day is sacred. It has little to do with the fact that any of them were US citizens (some weren't), though that it occurred on home soil makes it more powerful. It is sacred because we remember the loss of innocent life. No one can put a value on the life of a human being. We must remember them. Let us never forget...yet, let us remember with gratefulness that Divine Providence spared so many more. Some said that God judged us on that day. I say that He showed us mercy we weren't willing to see or accept. I'm only sorry that it took me years after the fact to acknowledge that.

A punch in the...forgiveness

2008-09-08T22:49:00.000-07:00

I had had a thoroughly crappy end to my work day. Every time I feel I'm building some sort of a rapport or spiritual understanding with my quadrapalegic client, he goes off in left field and demonstrates that what is king is his opinion and what is going on inside his head.

Then, I leave work and head for home. I'm on my way and hit a four-way stop. I pull up first, and a white Dodge Ram (really new) sits across from me with no other traffic around. I have a fairly sour look on my face, feeling rather frustrated and somewhat disgusted with the end to my day. I'm wearing sunglasses and have my cell phone ear-bud in my ear. The windows of most vehicles are down because the day is just warm enough for it, but not quite warranting air-conditioning. Anyhow, as I pull through the intersection and head directly past this truck, the driver shouts out his window directly at me, "DICK!" as if I had just offended him in the worst way.

I cried out to God at that moment, "What is going on here!? Have I been cursed and ignored for some good reason?! Am I supposed to be getting something from this!?" Then, it all came to me:

"When the king got to Bahurim, a man appeared who had connections with Saul's family. His name was Shimei son of Gera. As he followed along he shouted insults and threw rocks right and left at David and his company, servants and soldiers alike. To the accompaniment of curses he shouted, "Get lost, get lost, you butcher, you hellhound! God has paid you back for all your dirty work in the family of Saul and for stealing his kingdom. God has given the kingdom to your son Absalom. Look at you now—ruined! And good riddance, you pathetic old man!"

Abishai son of Zeruiah said, "This mangy dog can't insult my master the king this way—let me go over and cut off his head!" But the king said, "Why are you sons of Zeruiah always interfering and getting in the way? If he's cursing, it's because God told him, 'Curse David.' So who dares raise questions?"

"Besides," continued David to Abishai and the rest of his servants, "my own son, my flesh and bone, is right now trying to kill me; compared to that this Benjaminite is small potatoes. Don't bother with him; let him curse; he's preaching God's word to me. And who knows, maybe God will see the trouble I'm in today and exchange the curses for something good."

I don't know the Lord's intent with all this, or, rather, maybe I do and am not brash enough to declare that I do. However, at that moment I thought of the first three verses in Matthew 7 about judging and how we will be judged by the measure we use on others. I immediately prayed and asked God to forgive that man, if there was an offense to forgive. Perhaps he was a bearer of the Lord's message to me and there was no sin on his part, but, if there were, I would not care to be judged by the measure he was prepared to use on a complete stranger who'd just had a really rough day. I'm not sure.

However, God did show me that how I've regarded Him lately is not unlike how my client has regarded me. I've not cared to push my agenda aside for Him. I've been content to remain in suffering silence and hopeful evasion of some issues that He needs to sort out in me...as if always saying that I'm tired at the end of a long day excuses me from leaning on Him for strength.

I don't know what all of this looks like, but I'm going to work it out. I have kept myself away from "media" up to this point tonight so that I might hear from Him if He has anything significant to say. Not much since a lot of initial conversation with Him, but, in that, He has already shared so much with me tonight.

Well, I'm off to bed.

Blessings

Your lovely face

2008-09-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what it is, but few things are so sweet as being carried away in a hymn you sang during your very young years...at least to me. Today, after I got home from work, there was just something welling up inside that had to come out through song. I can't explain it as anything more or less complex than that. It was like a flashback where you get lost between what is happening in real time and something going on somewhere in your mind. I found myself singing a hymn called (I think) "Ever Before My Eyes", an original composition by the worship pastor at the part of the Body I grew up in. Caught between two worlds carried away in praise of God, I sang out (still somewhat conscious of the fact that I have to sing it in falsetto):

To keep your lovely face

Ever before my eyes

This is my prayer

Make it my one desire

That in my secret heart

No other love competes

No idol throne survives

And I serve only You

There is something profoundly sacred about those experiences that just requires song...then silence. I'm not sure why. It just does. Selah.

Politics Suck

2008-09-01T23:20:00.000-07:00

I don't like politics. It's a system that causes one to engage in things that they would rather not identify (or see others identify) with. For instance, Donald Miller giving the closing prayer of the Democratic National Convention. It seems that it's just to stick it in the face of the evangelical right. Same goes for Brian MacLaren endorsing Obama. If you're job is to lead spiritually, then lead spiritually, don't tell people who to vote for, especially when they didn't ask you.

Not that such things are new, either. MacLaren and Miller are far from the first leaders in Christianity to promote the Democrat ticket. Which makes me feel distant from a group of Christians I once considered very kindred spirits (emergent folk). Don't get me wrong, I know they aren't all the same. But, to see such high profile leaders in the movement playing the same old game is discouraging and demoralizing. They talk about change and being something new, and then go do the same old things.

The problem, as Christ followers, is that both roads available to us in American politics tie us to the empire of this world. The system wants us to keep playing the game, and it doesn't care which side we are on. The system is not the route to the City of God, or civitate dei, as my respected colleague, Halden, so much more eloquently (and "big-wordly") points out. It is when we quit playing the game and living out the gospel promise that God's kingdom come and will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not telling everyone to stay home on election day (nor am I condemning involvement in government, but I don't know anyone that is an elected representative who reads this, anyway). What I am saying is that you shouldn't be sitting in the pocket of either party. That is a reactionary stance out of fear (the right) or spite (the left) that is not glorifying to God or unifying to His Body. Pray and ask the Holy Spirit for guidance. Vote where you feel led (again, not my job to tell you what or who to vote for). Personally, I can't vote for anything that would jeopardize my pro-life stance. I'm still deciding if I'm going to vote in this year's presidential election (neither presidential candidate is firmly pro-life, though I know Sarah Palen is). Maybe you're already firmly decided, and it looks crazy from my perspective. Great, and the Lord bless you in that.

Just don't forget that it is a small stopping point, a short rest, on the pilgrimage to the City of God. If you park there, you no longer journey on. Let us press on in love and unity, not rubbing the nose of others who disagree with our perspective in it.

Eventful Weekend After Eventful Weekend

2008-08-10T23:05:00.000-07:00

We keep running crazy, and I pause as I'm not sure how I'm feeling about it. It's really a mixed blessing.

However, a blessing we received this weekend that I would never pass up, was that a blog friend became an IRL friend. Clumsy Ox and fam moved to a location about two and a half to three hours drive from us. We got to go up and visit them on Saturday, and man was it great. He and Ames are even cooler, kinder and more like Jesus in person than they appear in blogland. They kindly hosted us as we ate too much, drank too much, had way too much fun, then proceeded to stay too late. They bent over backwards to assure our comfort as we sat amongst their many still packed goods. And I learned a good deal about making delicious food with fire from burning hunks of wood (well, converted wood, anyway).

We had a wonderful time sharing with each other. We are on somewhat parallel journeys in our faith that have lead us both to seek out things in different directions. I learned a lot and was humbled by their wisdom of the Good News and the experience that has given them deep insight into what it means to live meaningfully as a follower of Jesus.

Their daughters are very thoroughly their father's children. They are all intelligent enough to make any adult thoroughly insecure about whether or not they possess the capability to carry on an intelligent conversation with them. They talked about Sherlock Holmes (I've never read any of those books), discussed scientific theory, and quoted important thinkers and theologians. They are truly such a smart family, it made me wonder if they dumb down their conversation for everyone.

However, Mark has enough redneck in him to make any ol' good Pacific Northwestern boy at home. And you gotta love that. He'll fit in well around these parts.

I'll have a post about the day we spent at the fair later on this week.

Blessings

Shakin' it up

2008-08-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

It was an interesting experience this last weekend. When the fellowship/Church body QueenJaymz and I belong to formed, we jokingly decided to call ourselves First Church of the Short Yellow Bus (Reformed). The joke, however politically incorrect, is that we are not very good at being Christians. I don't think any of us are, if we are honest with ourselves. Anyhow, we consider ourselves the "Special Ed" of the Church. We even have a "member" named Ed, who we've deemed "Pastor Special Ed." It's all in good fun.

Anyhow, one of our members is Richard Twiss of Wiconi (pronounced 'which-o-ni' like 'rice-o-roni' except with 'which' instead of 'rice' and no 'ro' on the 'ni') International, which put on a huge pow-wow in Turner, OR over the weekend. He tapped us to serve his "Native homies," as he calls them. We watered and tended to the needs of the drummers and dancers, manned tables and assisted on a few levels with meal service. There was lots of dancing in the sacred circle, much drumming and chanting, and prayers to "Creator" and "Grand-father," which is what God is called in Native American terms (or theology, if you will).

I'd never been to a pow-wow before, so it was very different. This one being of Native peoples who were followers of the "Jesus Way" (you don't say "Christian" among Native peoples because it was a "Christian nation" that made and subsequently broke every treaty the federal government made with them). As the chief of the ceremony said, "Every foot-fall is a prayer for your family, your friends and your people." I have been contemplating physical forms/acts of worship lately, so I really dug that. I watched a tribal elder bless the sacred circle with burning incense and herbs. The smell of rosemary, lavender and sage were heavy in the air as he walked around to the four "corners" and prayed. Something sacred and sanctified was happening that I had no category of reference for...and I was loving it.

The prayer was really what shook me, though. It did so in a very positive way. The man blessing the ceremony, the sacred circle and the dancing there prayed to "Grand-father," because that is the most honorific term in Native American culture. To merely call the Lord "Father" would not be giving Him His appropriate place in their eyes. He thanked Creator for sending "Jesus the mighty warrior" to "Turtle Island" to show us the way to Him. He closed with prayer for safe passage through this life, "until we soar into the sky like an eagle, following the stars, His lights to the great lodge, His dwelling in the heavens."

A couple of years ago, perhaps even just a year ago, I would have been infuriated by that prayer. There was nothing in it I had ever read in the Scriptures. As a matter of fact, it seems to fly in the face of the way I interpret the Bible. But...that's just it, isn't it?

We tend to forget that our culture colors the way we see God, Jesus and Scripture, and, because of that, we tend to try to force our cultural coloring down the throats of those who might profess belief in Jesus. Anything their culture brings to the table is heresy, but our pagan beliefs and practices are okay to be reformed and purified for God's glory (Easter and Christmas, anyone?).

I was stirred up in my thoughts about Isaiah 55/56. God's command that we ensure that the "outsiders" and the disabled never have a reason to say "I'm second class in the kingdom of God." I also thought about the separation of the sheep from the goats that Jesus talked about. I envisioned it anew as I thought of those who never had the opportunity to hear the gospel say, "Dear Jesus, your face looks so very familiar, but...I don't ever recall meeting you. When was that?" To which, of course, He responds, "I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink; hungry and you fed me..." It was the religious, well theologized, heavily churched people of Christ's day that He swept aside as goats. We need to consider that as we live our lives and talk doctrine with others who see things in a different light.

Just a thought as I close here. As the Lord hid Moses in the cleft of the rock and He announced His name as He passed by: What did the Lord say His name was? "The Lord, the Lord God, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in lovingkindness and truth; who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin." I'm cutting off the last half because that is His business to determine, not ours. My point here is that He said His Name is compassionate, gracious, slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness and truth, keeps lovingkindness for thousands and forgives iniquity, transgression and sin. That's His Name as He told us. So, we say we pray all things in Christ's name, but do we? We talk about doing things in the Lord's name, but are we exercising what that truly means, or are we fooling ourselves that a more correct theology/doctrine is what doing things in His Name means? Even worse, are we assuming that just by announcing "in your name, Father/Jesus/Grand-father" we are doing/praying in His Name? Are we taking His Name in vain by violating what He said His Name is? We certainly are if we are sacrificing compassion at the altar of doctrine. He didn't say, "full of right doctrine" when announcing His name to Moses. So why are we saying that to the whole world before compassionate, gracious and keeper of lovingkindness? Maybe we need to get out there and start telling those who don't believe in Him the Good News. Maybe if they knew what His Name is they'd like Him, and that Jesus fella who He sent.

The True Blessing of the Rise of Secularism

2008-07-31T07:40:00.000-07:00

HISTORIA DE UN LETRERO (THE STORY OF A SIGN)

I'm actually quite happy that secularism is on the rise. I know what many of you are thinking. It probably goes along the lines of, "How can you say that! We are losing our way in our country!" Maybe to some, but it is in losing "our way" that we can find the "true way" of being followers of Christ.

At no time during His life on earth did Jesus say, "I'm going to Jerusalem city hall, and we're gonna re-write the laws of this errant nation." Nor did He tell Pontius Pilate on the night of His trial, "You need to hand the kingdom over to me so that I can straighten out this society." You see, Jesus had a different position that He moved from. It was a place of humility and powerlessness. People of faith in this country want to move from a place of power and indignity over what they see happening. As high as the heavens are above the earth, so is God's ways above ours. This is God's way for those of us called to follow Jesus.

Far too long have we sat back and allowed the government to legislate our perspective and called it the work of the gospel in our land. The truth is, the work of the gospel is done by individuals living out their convictions in love, compassion and humility. The work of the gospel is done by bringing the "outsiders" in and being a messenger of God's peace and love to those in our lives, not by many words, but by actions.

The Body of Christ always functions it's best when it is a minority or equal to others, but still "outsider" class. We then have to find contentment in being the message by the way we live, rather than attempting to authoritatively legislate how others live. I mean, heaven forbid that we might have to get our hands dirty by showing compassion to homeless prostitutes, invite that lesbian couple who lives next door over to dinner just to invite them over to dinner and/or keep our mouths shut as we hear co-workers or neighbors talk about their beliefs in para-normal phenomenon (don't get me wrong; if the Holy Spirit prompts you to jump in the conversation for some reason, by all means; just don't confuse indignity or strong emotion with the leading of the Holy Spirit).

Words are easy to argue with. However, you can't argue with the fruit of a life, and if you argue with words early on so that another does not get the chance to see the fruit lived out, you are nullifying the powerful message of the gospel in your own life. Jesus tells us to let our good deeds shine before men so that they will bring honor to the Father in heaven, even from those who do not believe. He didn't tell us to let our words shine before men.

Maybe, just maybe, God is actively making our country secular again because He's tired of seeing His people either sit on their hands or just talk at people. American Christianity has the same sickness that Pharisaical Judaism of Christ's day had. It's time that we let the Spirit of the Great Physician make us well in our souls again so that we may honor Him by following His ways and that we may soar in the heavens with Him like the ancient saints once did.

This is how we do it...

2008-07-29T08:04:00.000-07:00

I'm always struck when I go back to the Beattitudes. Such striking things were spoken by Christ in those teachings. And the way He closed it out, he left no doubts about how strongly He felt about those things. He set it up as the foundation for living. If we want to follow Him, we have to start there and view everything else through that lens.

However, I'm surprised at how we've "minored" in Christ's most important teaching. The Beatitudes are held up as ideals, and, because of that, not taken as seriously as Christ intended. They aren't often taught in churches, so we trivialize it and mis-quote/take it out of context. We should be looking back to them in one way or another every week (we don't need sermons on it every week, if you fear that's what I'm saying).

I'm calling the church out on this one. Why are we looking so intently to the epistles for all the answers to living and calling that "gospel" when we've been given the ultimate answers by Christ already? Let's remember that we should interpret the epistles through the lens of the gospels, not the other way around. We refine Paul's words by Christ's, not Christ's words by Paul's. At least, I'm really certain that's what Jesus had in mind.

A New Kind Piety

2008-07-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I got the privilege of hanging out with three of my favorite people. They are residents of a house that was offered up to a local drug/alcohol addiction recovery shelter as a step between living in the communal recovery facility and the "real world." It's not a half-way house, it's really just the next step to moving away from a recovery based living situation with lots of mutual accountability.

Anyhow, what strikes me about these three guys is how they go about living their lives. They all come from very rough backgrounds; decades of abusing drugs and/or alcohol. They've seen their families destroyed and their lives in ashes as a result of their addictions. Yet, as they live today, you might never really know it. You would if you sat down and asked them about it. They are very open and honest about their past mistakes. However, they approach life with a hopefulness that deserves notice. They know their past but rarely look back. They just look forward. They just think about today.

Also, there is a real humility they approach life with. They lean on God and their faith in Him. They do not consider themselves anything above others, but just seek to serve and show kindness when they find opportunity, or when opportunity presupposes on them. They are willing to share from what little they have.

They courageously lead "real lives" at their "real jobs" in the "outside world." They do so without running back to their addictions while looking out for others. Say what you want about their past lives, but you can't argue with how they live and who they are today. I want to know their Jesus. I think He's the real thing.

Sorrow Without Grief and Forgiveness Without Reason

2008-07-10T10:04:00.000-07:00

One thing this job is doing for me is giving me a sense of sympathy for what QueenJaymz will be going through when we have children. I will be calling her at several points during the day to see how she is doing. It is difficult when your only conversation companion is the equivalent of a three year-old and you've had to spend your morning watching those stupid kiddie shows like "Bunnytown" and "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse." The psychological damage the music of said shows does to you is beyond comparison. THE VOICES NEVER GO AWAY!!!

Some adult conversation is a wonderful cure for it. But, it only lasts so long. And you need to be able to get out and away from the stupid television (which I can't), so I'll ensure that it's always an option for her.

Speaking of QueenJaymz, she recently started going to Al-Anon. For those of you who don't know, it's the wing of AA that helps those who have parents, siblings, spouses or children with alcoholism. As a result, she's spent a lot of time grieving lately which involves plenty of crying, too. For her, it harkens back to the first four or five years of our marriage. She spent the majority of those years crying and very angry and she has expressed concern about going back to that. However, I have a different perspective on the situation. For those long, torturous years, she spent most of her time expressing sorrow without grief. She didn't really talk about the wellspring of rage and agony within her heart. She just sobbed and yelled a lot.

I know this doesn't sound pretty, but I'm coming around to the point. I married her for many good reasons; the top one being that she is an incredible woman. Her faults have just been more visible than most other peoples' and she gets judged unfairly because of that.

Today, she is working through the pain of the open wounds the disease of alcoholism has left on her. It is intensely excruciating to walk through the process. There are many tears. They do not cause me to grow weary, though. I see where this path leads, and it is to healing and freedom.

I'm so very proud that my precious wife has gathered the courage to walk the path. Most are too cowardly to ever consider it. With the strength that God provides, we will reach the end of the trail together and gaze over the valley from the mountain top. Life will change for the better.

Speaking of courageous individuals, I may just be naming my daughter Ingrid, if I ever have one. Ingrid Betancourt, the former Columbian presidential candidate who has been held, imprisoned and tortured by the FARC rebels for the last six years, gave an interview to Today on NBC, recently. They aired it this morning. She is truly an amazing woman.

She was not prepared to speak about what the rebels did to her for those six years they had her in chains (literally), but she did say that she had no desire to have them arrested, tried and executed. She expressed compassion and said she felt sorry for them. She said something to the effect of, "When I lifted off in that helicopter, I left the jungle and the last six years behind me. Forgiveness is the only way that I can escape that prison."

Those words, to me, sound very much like what Mother Teresa, Francis of Assisi or Brother Lawrence would have said. If I were Catholic, I'd move to canonize her right now, though she hasn't "departed" yet. It is someone like that all countries of the Earth should desire to have lead them. I have a new hero, and I hope she writes a book. I'll buy the first copy and sleep in line for a month to be the first to have her sign it.

Until You Squirt: A Man's Journey through Caring for the Disabled

2008-07-08T05:00:00.000-07:00

That'd be the name of my book/memoirs if I were to write one concerning the events of my current job. I have a client who has a condition called "Barrett's esophagus" which just means that it's really narrow. But, everything else on him is narrow, too. I jokingly say he has "Barrett's ear canal," "Barrett's nostrils" and "Barrett's a**hole" too. Impacted bowel is a real and honest fear we have with him. And that can go from zero to fatal in but a few days. So, I battle with him, as he only likes to eat crap food. Chips, fatty meats and sausages, cheese, cheese doodles, or anything that would plug him up really good. We go rounds about him eating his prunes, drinking his prune juice and consuming his oatmeal each day. I just try to keep him from dying, nothing huge.

He's non-verbal, but makes squawks and noises when he is displeased, and giggles and coos when he's happy. So, amidst the squawks and noises he gives off, I tell him, "Dude, you're eating this stuff until you squirt." He can understand most of, if not all of what you say when you speak to him and he does a little sign language, so he knows what you're talking about.

This job is a lot like parenting three two year-olds and a three year-old. I have one client who speaks, but is developmentally stuck somewhere in the prepubescent period of maturity. The question becomes, "Do they run you, or do you run them?" They, like children, want to tell you what's going on or where to get off. How do you respond? It is a question of who knows best. Obviously, I know best. If I let that client eat like he wants to, he'd be dead inside a week. Now, the greater challenge presented to me is that I cannot punish if they "misbehave" or make bad choices. I have to get creative

Honestly, it makes me feel like things will be a breeze compared to this when I can give time-outs and bust a**es (not out of anger, of course). Also, they won't be roughly my build and able to beat the crap out of me when they throw a temper tantrum without a known antecedent. I've had the patience to suffer through, so I think parenting will come easier than this on many levels. I know it has it's own challenges, but I spend so many hours at work that I might as well live here. I don't spend much time away. There is a bond that tugs at the heart strings that develops with each client. You see their sweeter and more vulnerable side. You see them express generosity and kindness. It's like they become aunts and uncles

So, there are strong similarities, yet striking differences. I will throw my mind open when it comes to parenting when that day arrives, but I feel my work is well preparing me for that.

For those of you still paying attention, thanks. It'd be great if you left a comment (thanks for the last one, Delia; you're a true Sister). It's nice to know I'm missed.

Blessings

Don't blink...

2008-06-25T09:59:00.000-07:00

After a long absence, I’m desperate to return to my love of writing. I’m not around for many reasons. Mostly because my job is all consuming. I keep thinking that things will start to calm down and run smoothly, but they don’t.

Just after I started my current job, my in-laws broke 2 years of sobriety. QueenJaymz feels like she’s losing them all over again. But, I’ve not been available. Sadly, she’s had to walk through much of this alone because I come home from work, pound a couple beers and go to bed. After being beat on by DD clients and having to switch gears 1000 times during the day (that number is not much an exaggeration), I’m just out of mental, emotional and physical energy/strength.

I haven’t spent any real time with friends since I started this job. I’ve been completely absent and out of the loop. I need to get back to blogging, but how? I need to get back to writing, period.

I’m pretty much at the end of my rope on this. I need to get back to where I belong. I belong with friends. I belong writing. I belong completing my course requirements so that I can start my course with the American Brewers Guild in January. But I’m getting nowhere near those right now.

I know I just have hopped on here and am just bitchin’, but I needed to write something. I’m making some drastic changes and decisions in the very near future. Here’s to hoping that they lead to something positive. Those of you who do, pray for me. And I hope to “see” you all back here again, real soon ;)

I'm still alive, and I do mean it

2008-05-17T21:25:00.000-07:00

Dear kids and people,

I'm sorry I've been away. Work has been so draining mentally that at the end of the day, I have nothing left. Being a supervisor in the social services field requires much training and paperwork.

I know I've been off, but I haven't checked my email for at least two weeks. I will be checking it this week, so now would be a good time to email. For more frequent contact, I'll give you my phone number, as that's the most reliable way to reach me nowadays.

I miss writing daily very much and want to get back to it as soon as the Lord provides some relief and/or extra strength. Life has continued to be interesting, and I have so much to share. So, please don't hesitate to email me and ask me for my phone number. I'd cherish a good conversation.

I plan on being back as soon as I can, but, unfortunately, I can't provide a firm date for regular posts to resume. Perhaps mid-summer at the latest, again, if the Lord provides.

Blessings

I'm still alive

2008-04-16T06:25:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't been writing much as of late, but work has been all consuming. When it comes to sitting down to write, I haven't anything left in the tank at the end of the day, and I want to get out of the house and blow off steam on the weekends. I checked my email this morning for the first time in a week to make sure no one has died or anything. I did not check all of my messages, so apologies to those I haven't gotten back to.

Things are stressful right now with the new job, but are also doing okay and getting better. Those of you who do, please keep praying for me. Pray that God would give me His strength to handle the challenges, His wisdom to know what to do in the face of them, and His peace to see me through it all.

Blessings

Updates, 'n stuff

2008-04-02T18:03:00.000-07:00

I have not been to my computer for more than five minutes all of this week. I've been so busy with work and life that I haven't had time to sit and blog or check/write email. And Gmail isn't working today, so it doesn't look like that will happen now, either.

I'm learning more as I'm training more, and I've become a lot more secure in how I'm feeling about my job. I'll be able to weather this, no problem. I'm really looking forward to starting in the home/program I'm in, though I'm not sure when that will be. I have 30, 60, 90 and 6 month trainings I have to complete, and my starting schedule is flexible enough that I'm able to schedule them and get them as I want until my background check comes back, which is about three weeks from the date of hire. So, I'm trying to get every training at least scheduled if not completed by the time the results come in. My trainings are tied to my gradual wage increases, and they're also valuable tools to have to learn my job responsibilities. So, it is of the utmost importance to get them done. It gets tough to make that happen once you're managing your program full-time, as your schedule gets jam packed with paperwork and helping the clients. Better sooner than later.

I've got a few ideas burning in the back of my mind that I want to accomplish this year. It's pretty obvious at this point that I'm not going to earn $70,000 this year at my job, so I need some other stuff. I'm not going to shoot myself if I don't hit the mark (figure of speech), but I'd like to get there. I have a web based business that I want to get off the ground (not one of the "Get Rich Quick with no effort" schemes). I've been thinking of writing a book, too. I have five big ideas on what to write. I'm pondering:

- a modern historical work on beer
- an instructional/recipe/science book on a specialized field of brewing beer
- a review of research into the sociological and developmental impact gaming has on people and culture
- a historical work on video gaming
- a fictional story of some sort, which genre, I'm still uncertain, but I'm leaning crime fiction or something along the line of "Five People You Meet in Heaven," if you catch my drift

I'm being very vague on these because I don't want someone coming around and stealing the specific niche I've concocted and then writing and publishing a book on it. It may take me a couple of years to develop this material into something I can sell to a publisher, so I'm protecting what I have. If you're curious about my thoughts, you all have my email address.

Well, I have to call it a day. I have some work to do tonight that is work related, and some that is "relaxy" related. I've been burning the candle at both ends, and I need some R&R.

Blessings

Economic Slowdown

2008-03-27T21:33:00.001-07:00

It's funny to be talking about an economic slowdown at a time where my economic status is improving...so I won't talk about the economic slowdown :p

The more I am exposed to the people I'll be working with, the better I feel about my job and the company I'm working for. I'm working for an agency that is state and federally funded to provide support to disabled people living in group homes. I'll be responsible for managing the staff that provide the care and I will be the regular day shift during the week. The program I will be running is walking distance from my house. It's a real step up for me. And it's in an area I'm passionate and knowledgeable about. I will be able to leave early most Fridays, and I start accruing vacation on day one.

The people above and around me are incredibly intelligent and competent, and they have good intentions for their clients and employees. They have reiterated to me that they feel like they've made the right decision to bring me on, and they are acting the same as they did when they interviewed me. I hate to say that I'm not used to that, but I'm not. They have been open and honest with me, and they are genuinely committed to the vision of independence for their clients. I wish I could say the same for my previous employer.

It's been a long day. I watched all of those exciting training videos, like "Avoiding Sexual Harassment in the Workplace," and "Illegal Drugs Hurt Everyone." How many times can you watch those? I've seen them at every job I've ever been hired at, and I'm managing to stay awake, but c'mon. Seriously.

Well, I'm going to not go do crystal meth because that one video told me that it cuts into my productivity. But I might make overtly intimate gestures to my wife...unless she threatens to report me to my HR department.

Blessings

A Quick Hit

2008-03-26T10:37:00.001-07:00

I'm here out of obligation, to myself, and to you all who are patiently coming by for new posts. I meant to post yesterday, but this week has been a blur. Three hours worth of interviews on Monday, a lot of waiting and recuperating on Tuesday (long story), and now today. I got hired. I finally landed a decent job that pays decent money. I start tomorrow. I'm wondering what I'm doing here typing, as I want to go out and celebrate. And I shall.

I'll see you all tomorrow when I'll have interesting thoughts and good things to share.

Blessings,

Jared

Indifference

2008-03-22T22:42:00.001-07:00

I made a real break-through discovery yesterday. A lot of people will probably slap their forehead after reading this, but that's fine. Sometimes, the most obvious things about us take the longest to discover for ourselves. It's really difficult to throw out there because it is something that is so huge. It is a high level of vulnerability that, while I'm accustomed to being vulnerable, reaches a new level for me. I hope it will be respected.

Oh, before I get, since I've hooked you, if you've emailed me in the last month and you haven't heard back from me, allow me to apologize for not getting back to you and know a response will soon be on it's way. I've been swamped and overwhelmed by a lot of things lately. Now, I'll get on with it.

I have a serious identity issue that stems from my lack of feelings of attachment to my birth family. This means several things, but allow me to extrapolate all of this as it flows from my tired fingers. On a subconscious level, so many things that you developed as a result of meaningful relationships with them shapes and molds who you are, as well as providing you with secure definitions for yourself. We'd like to pretend that we are the only thing that matters when it comes to molding and shaping our personality, but it isn't true. We are so reliant on those attachments. I don't have that, thus I lack the foundation that most others possess.

This works itself out in numerous ways. I struggle with outside criticism. I place too great amount of importance on frivolous things. I lack the understanding of the fundamental principles of maintaining and growing close relationships. Small things can sometimes turn into big things. I over-analyze to compensate for a lack of natural instinct. I could keep going, but I'll stop.

I look forward to getting a job and having insurance. I'm in over my head on this and need some help sorting this out. Other than that, I'm doing okay. I'm just so busy. I have an interview on Monday for a job as a social services supervisor for a private organization. Those of you who are inclined to, I'd appreciate your prayers.

Blessings,

Jared

A little video fun

2008-03-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

Hurray!

I guess that's a new Weird Al song. I love that dude. I had to laugh when I saw this, yesterday. It kinda touches close to home. I always joke about how the big blue bull gives some people the Schlitz.

After hearing from some of you yesterday, I might do it on just a rare occasion to show my readership that I can use good diction and that I'm not a crazed nut. Or would video evidence work against me on that?... I'd be fully clothed, anyway so you could marvel at my fully dressedness and good grooming! Just on rare occasion, though. Truthfully, I like writing as much as y'all like reading. It'd be hard to pry me away from that medium.

Last night at the missional group I'm a part of, we discussed the terms "organic" and "missional" and how they are related. One of the women in the group said something that really strummed the strings of my heart. She talked about when she thinks "organic" she also thinks "native" and how certain expressions of faith are native to her heart and others are not. She discussed this because she and her husband used to run with a very charismatic group and she just never felt like that was a native or natural expression for her faith. She's an older and wiser lady (at least twice my age, anyhow) and it really helped me to hear that. I've felt pressure from some people to keep a really open mind about that coming into my "faith walk" (I hate loaded terms, but I can't think of another way to put that), but it has never felt quite right to me. It is native to other peoples' personal faith, but not mine, and it's felt forced and foreign. It just isn't me at this point in time. And it's a radical thought to me that I can just be okay with that. I'm still detoxing from years of being guilt and shame driven in the traditional churches I was a part of.

To me, I think of many of the parables of Jesus. So many of them went back to the natural order. I think of the sower, the wheat and the tares/weeds, the vineyard tenders, the yeast working through flour, etc. So, I wonder, if left alone by people who would forcefully organized it by their paradigm, how would the Church exist naturally? I've been on that journey for a year now, and I'm getting an idea of what that looks like to some extent in my cultural/locational setting. I'm still searching, in a sense. I'm just "being" as who God made me to be, allowing Him to prune and tend to me, and feeling it out from there.

Wow, jokes about getting plastered and deep thoughts on Jesus and His Church all in one post. It's freeing to have others consider you "gone off the deep end" (not that I condone drunkenness or alcoholism). I like this being free to live stuff and just saying what is on my heart and what I often feel God calling me to say. It all just flows out as a part of who I am. Another blessing from Above on this fine day (James 1:16-18).

Blessings to you all,

Jared

Beer and disappointment

2008-03-18T10:06:00.000-07:00

I cracked open my first English style brown ale yesterday to find that it wasn't up to par. Not only has it not fully carbonated, but it is also tasting not quite right. Full carbonation should cure that, but I don't know if it will be able to achieve that. It should be there after a week in. I'll let it sit another three weeks, and, if it doesn't improve, I'll throw it out. Ouch. Six gallons of beer. Dang.

However, the Belgian Triple turned out well. It's quite the brand of firewater. I had a bottle of that last night and it was great. No disappointment there...except that there aren't more bottles of it. I only got a hair over two gallons of it. I need to make more.

I'm stuck at home today, and annoyed. QueenJaymz had to go to work today, but she's also not feeling well and needs to go see a doctor. She had to leave before they could set up an appointment, and it didn't end up being until the end of the day. So, I'm sitting around, looking for work again. Oh boy.

Would anyone be interested in an occasional video post from me? I've been thinking about doing that and thought I'd solicit the opinion of my readers...all three of you. I joke, but I'm not bothered by it. I've begun to blog for me, again, and that's what drives me.

Blessings,

Jared

Glory, Love and Starbucks

2008-03-17T08:55:00.000-07:00

Much going on over the last week. I've been looking for work like nobody's business. I had an interview at Starbucks today, and I'm feeling good about my chances at getting the job. I'm not sure what is coming next for me, but I need to get a job as we are almost out of money...and I need health insurance. I had a few calls to make about jobs today, too, but they were a bit disappointing. I don't know what will come of them. I'm worn from looking for work.

There was a large gathering of house church folk on Saturday. People from house churches from all over the metro area got together at a large coffee house with space for seating. We worshiped, we prayed, we spoke words of encouragement freely. It was very...different. It was open and free. I'm hesitant to call it charismatic, but I'd say it was something like that. It was really encouraging, and I'd never experienced anything like it before. I've only been in the house church movement for a year, so it's old hat to many, but not me.

It reminded me of how great and magnificent God is. He's not small and contained, but greater and more majestic than my mind can comprehend. My life is for His glory...however, I must not get my means and ends confused. God's glory doesn't mean being "right" about everything and proving it. If He is Who He is, then He certainly isn't threatened by those who don't believe in Him. My goal is to show others His love and goodness so that they might experience that joyful glory...like Jesus did.

Happy St. Patrick's Day. It should be an official, national holiday.

Blessings,

Jared

A quick one...

2008-03-12T10:05:00.000-07:00

Not much time today. I have to bottle a batch of beer since I'm now accountable for it. I'm on the hook for providing at our next missional group meeting.

I also have a job interview to seek out today. It's pretty much an automatic hire if they don't consider me over-qualified.

Blessings,

J

Listening to the physician

2008-03-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

I'm currently working my way through Luke. It's the Gospel I Know the least, so I thought I'd spend some quality time there.

I noticed a couple of things as I was plodding along through it, today. First, I've always felt a great deal of pressure about charismatic spiritual gifts. I have friends who experience them frequently. However, I don't. Certain people have placed the thought in my mind that the lack of experiencing that has something to do with my faith. Today, reading Luke 5:17, it clicked. It is of God who gives, not of me. If I am willing and believe, I'm doing my part, and He will gift me as He sees fit.

The other thing I noticed is the last line of his talk on new wine and new wineskins. "And no one, after drinking old wine wishes for new; for he says, 'The old is good enough.'" I guess I see this today with some people who are in the traditional church. They say, "The old is good enough" thinking that the simple/house churches are not a legitimate expression of the body of Christ. This is truly a case of new wine going into new wineskins. I've not left the traditional church for no good reason. I would ask those Brothers and Sisters in the Lord to see that I have tasted of new wine and that I cannot go back. I must be in a new wineskin. I am not called to the old, as they are not called to the new. We can learn much from each other and help each other, as we are both wine made from the grapes of the True Vine. We are called to live in loving relationship. We must remember that above all else.

That's about all today. Blessings.

Stealing a page...

2008-03-07T09:54:00.000-08:00

This was on Rena's blog, and I had to poach it (she's Canadian, so it had Anglicized spellings which I Americanized). It says some stuff that I certainly need to hear, but that is also profitable for others than just myself. The church at-large needs to hear this and think about it, too. Let's consider this message together, and what it should mean for us, as Jesus's people.

----------------------

Paradigms. Mine seem to be shifting lately. Has something to do with asking Father to teach me His way of love. A prayer I said in brokenness and with a contrite heart....at least I hope it was a contrite heart...several years ago. Like I said, He answers prayer.

There are difficult people in my life, me being one of them. My new paradigm is that God put them there....for a purpose....like steel honing steel....to teach me what is in my heart. The difficult people in my life reflect back to me the stuff of my heart, the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm not so sure I would have come face to face with my own selfishness, demandedness, greed, need to be control, arrogant independence, and pride if it were not for the difficult people in my life. As those difficult people kicked against the goads of my expectations, I had no choice but to try another tactic and in that desperation I finally got quiet, stilled my heart, and heard something new. The old that I had come to believe was that I had a right, I must assert, my needs deserve meeting, and who are they not to serve me in that way. The new that is shifting my paradigm is who am I to think it's about me? Who am I to kick against the goads of what God is trying to accomplish in my character? Who am I to harm the Lord's annointed? Who am I to think blessing those who curse me, praying for those who persecute me, doing good to those who harm me, is somehow not meant for me....that somehow, I am an exception?

The biggest lesson I've learned in all this shifting is David's lesson....Saul was out to get him. David never acted the victim nor the martyr. When Saul was throwing curses, and spears, and death contracts at David, David kept silent, ran away, hid and refused to harm the Lord's annointed, even when he got two chances to do so. If David acted on what everyone was telling him was his right, and killed Saul, no one would have questioned it...in fact, they would have championed it. Everyone except God that is. And that is what we have backwards. In our look out for No 1 world, those who take matters into their own hands and trample on those who get in their way are considered heroes.....how many times have you heard someone talk about leaving a relationship because their needs weren't being met or they had outgrown the other person, and they tell it with a puffed up prideness? or how many times have you heard people talk about how they told off a clumsy waitress, or gave what for to their neighbor because the dog had pooped on their grass just one too many times...isn't there always a kind of glee to their tone? Why has asserting and standing up for oneself become such a honorable thing to do? I'm beginning to believe that deep down, those who yell at and are disrespectful to others are only yelling for themselves....and again, this is where we have it backwards. If the God of the universe truly loves us the way He says He does, then why are we even yelling? What are we needing to prove? Who can possibly be against us, and who are we fighting anyway?

I've been making an effort, with the Holy Spirit's help of course, to live David's lesson...when my "Saul" throws a spear at me, like David, I'm not throwing one back. After all, my "Saul" is the Lord's anointed is he not and who am I to harm the Lord's anointed? Instead, I've been quiet, and like David, praying in my wilderness, trusting God to work His wonder, and, like David, I've seen God prove Himself.....God's ways are definitely neither the world's nor my ways, and they are definitely, assuredly, not backwards.

What does it mean?

2008-03-05T21:36:00.000-08:00

What does it mean to look like Jesus? Where do we take that, because, as His followers, it means we are trying to look like Him? I contemplated this while driving my wife to work this morning. I passed numerous cars with bumper stickers that said stupid stuff like "The next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water" and "If you believe there is no God, you better be right," with the obligatory flames. I don't remember Jesus ever saying anything like that to anyone but the Pharisees and Sadducees, who were the supposed religious, holier-than-thou class.

Then there's the fish. I have a problem with the fish. The thing is, it was a symbol that the persecuted Church was able to identify members with. It wasn't for broader society, but for each other. That doesn't seem to be the motivation behind the fish stickers or plastic fish shinies. I almost avoid businesses that have those in their ads or on their windows anymore because it seems to just be another way to get suckered in to a false sense of security about who you're dealing with. My two former mechanics both had the fish symbol on their businesses. My current mechanics use the "f" word a lot, but they actually fix my car competently and charge me a fair price. The two previous ones were charging me money to fix things that they had broken, and they treated me like I was stupid. There's a real problem here.

If we want Jesus to emanate from us, we have to quit buying into the lie that wearing a cross or having the right bumper sticker or reading the right books are going to make that happen. My previous mechanics had this kind of vibe all over the place, but they aren't trusted anymore because their actions were far from trustworthy. These guys who treat me with respect and charge me fairly and use a lot of foul language look a lot more like Jesus to me than they did.

So what does it mean to follow Jesus? What does it mean to look like Him? I don't think we'll accomplish that by buying more crap to stick on our vehicles that tell the rest of humanity how wrong they are. That wasn't His message.

But, this question is more than rhetorical. What do you think it means?

What he means to me...

2008-03-05T09:28:00.001-08:00

I have a short excerpt from an article here that I'd especially like those who aren't sports fans to read. I kept it short, sweet and to the point.

--------------------------------------

I'm going to miss Brett Favre.

I'll miss the picks. I'll miss them even more than the touchdowns, though he holds the all-time records for both. For it was in failure that we saw how much Favre wanted to win. He wanted to win so badly he was willing to lose. Not just lose. He was willing to be the goat for a shot at being the hero. So many quarterbacks are poor timid souls who've known neither victory nor defeat. Game managers. Not our man. He knew defeat 288 times. There is something poetic about his last pass as a professional ending up in an interception.

I'll miss the pills, and the drinking, and the stories about rehab. Favre wasn't perfect. None of us are. But in his imperfections lay his humanity. He was capable of failure like any of us, and therefore his successes seemed even more amazing. He was real, in a league that often seems anything but.

I'll miss my daddy. That's what Favre's retiring makes me think about. When Big Irv died, and Brett came out and played the game of his life on that Monday night in Oakland, with his teammates and his fans and a nation of mourners, I watched that game with my own father. He was sick then, and I knew what he was thinking. He saw himself as Irv, and he saw me as Brett. We tried to talk a little about it, but words about such things don't come easy. So we just cried, and we understood. It was the closest we ever came to talking about how I would be after he'd gone, except for the time he, without explanation or further discussion, looked me in the eyes and said, "You take care of your mother, son." We sat upstairs, and we cheered. Then the game ended, Favre said a few words and that was that. I forgot about it. Only, when my father died about nine months later, I thought of that game. For days I was in a fog. I had conversations that I still cannot remember having. I spoke, and I smiled, and I did my best, thinking, from time to time, about Favre, and what he must have felt running out on that tunnel. And, when I went back to work a few weeks later, flying into Miami to write a story, I again thought of Favre. He was my inspiration: if that S.O.B. could play a football game after losing his daddy, I could write a simple story.

I'll miss believing anything is possible. That's why watching a football game he played in was fun. You just never knew what he might do, either brilliant or idiotic, and you got the sense he didn't really know either. A lot of people, me included, will tell you pro football is boring. It's predictable and balanced and risk-averse. But there was always one guy who played the pro game like he was still in Hattiesburg at Southern Mississippi. We will all miss that.

I'll miss Kiln, where this crazy journey began. I watched the last game he ever played there, at this Redneck dive called the Broke Spoke. Looking back, it was like we were all celebrating the end of something that we'd never see again. During halftime, the owners of the bar had called up Brett's brother, who was watching the game at Lambeau. Then they handed out shots of the famous Kiln moonshine and the owner called out, "We're gonna do a shot with Jeff Favre." Everyone downed the white lightning, and it burned going down. Once, a lot of folks drank liquor like this. That was a long time ago. Hell, the woods where the stills once smoked and belched are now property of NASA. An hour or two later, the game ended, it all ended, and no one would ever see Favre throw a football in the NFL again. The crowd thinned. The campfires burned themselves out. An era was over.

Wright Thompson is a senior writer for ESPN.com and ESPN The Magazine. He can be reached at wrightespn@gmail.com.

For the full article, go here.

Among the wheels of cheese, grown men cry...

2008-03-04T13:14:00.000-08:00

For seventeen years, since I was ten, we have not known NFL football without Brett Favre. Today, we have learned that he is retiring. He is, to me, the last of the great quarterbacks from the class/caste of Marino and Montana. He represents the greatness of what NFL football is. I'm quite sorry to see him go. I suppose it is time that the torch be passed to the next generation of quarterbacks. I'm not ready to see him go, though. Green Bay was great last year, and I was hoping for another year or two of it. I'm not too sure that I like the idea of a Favreless NFL. It's hard to fathom. There's always a new tomorrow, though, whether or not we are ready for it.

Anyway, from someone whose comment Brett Favre will never see, I'll just say: Thanks for the memories, Brett. Your greatness and legend will outlive you in Wisconsin. Yet, you truly are just like any other guy, not letting celebrity get the better of you. Thanks for not dating whoever was the 1992 equivalent of Jessica Simpson or Paris Hilton.

Jumping into the deep end

2008-03-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

I'm just going for it today because this is where my heart is at. If you're a regular reader that just skims or skips over my more "spiritual" stuff, you should read today's entry.

I recently heard that there is a project currently filming that I think is called "Jesus, Save Me From Your Followers." [I don't know if it is based on the book of the same name] I might be wrong on the title. Anyway, it's very provocative. It is intended to get the Church thinking again. I'm liking the timber of it.

They set up a couple of confessional booths at events that were geared for those in the homosexual community (I believe one was a gay pride event). When a brave soul wandered in, they asked the question of how it went and if he was suppose to confess something. The guy on the other side of the screen in the booth said something to the effect of, "Actually, I wanted to confess to you. I wanted to ask for your forgiveness for all the hatred and bigotry that Christians have been responsible for toward homosexuals."

Today, I'm seconding that motion. In the past, I have hidden hatred in my heart toward those who are homosexuals. Like the others who were around me, I was so ignorantly afraid to even think about talking to homosexuals. I'm guilty of claiming that their lifestyle made them less than human beings and for supporting laws that suppressed homosexual activity by making it illegal. Jesus never commanded His followers to do any of that. He did, however, command us to love our neighbors as ourselves. For all of this, I ask for your forgiveness. To those in the Church, I hereby confess that I have sinned against God and His Son by not living that out in regard to all people...especially homosexuals and illegal immigrants. Jesus was not anger and judgment toward a world that needed His message of hope and love. I have carelessly cast aside His Words in John 3. For this, Brothers and Sisters, I ask your forgiveness.

The Lord has done a lot of work reforming/renewing my heart and mind over the last year and a half. He continues to challenge me in new ways every day. I now count some homosexuals among my friends, and one particular blogger has been one of my biggest supporters and has cared for me more than a lot of people in the community of faith. They've been a steady reader of my blog for a long time, even when I haven't returned the favor. I owe them my deepest gratitude, though I never express it enough to anyone in my life who deserves it, I say it today especially to them.

What does this mean? Well, it means that I am culpable for my sins against all people. It means that if I am a true follower of Jesus, I'll bring His peace to whoever I am with or whoever I communicate with and wherever I am. And it means that I belong to, like Tony Campolo said, "the kind of church that throws birthday parties for prostitutes at 3am at donut shops." If you want a better context for that, I encourage you to read "The Secret Message of Jesus."

What does this not mean? It doesn't mean that I'm signing up with any political agenda. I won't be getting petitions for anyone or anything...unless they ask for rights and freedoms to be taken away from someone. Then I'm 100% against that. Barring that, I'm done politically on these issues.

People of faith, until we show ALL people the love of Jesus, no ifs, ands, or buts (no law of man can void our responsibility to the Law of God, with that applying special regards to illegal aliens), no one will think He's anyone worth knowing. I don't want to have agendas anymore. I just want people to see the fruit of His love in my life. I haven't changed doctrinally. Or rather, maybe I have. Maybe I've changed the doctrine of proclaiming judgment from God (something we were never called to do) to proclaiming peace from God, and His good will toward all people. If we truly believe that the Holy Spirit is powerful, we have to allow Him to do the work.

I know I'm inviting all sorts of whatever by this post, which is by no means comprehensive, so bring on whatever. But, if you claim to follow Jesus, just remember that you should speak to me (and homosexual people, for that matter) as you would like to be spoken to.

Invisible Disciple

2008-03-02T22:17:00.001-08:00

We truly have a shame driven church culture. It's a huge frustration for me. For so many Sundays, I sat in the pew listening to the pastor preach messages that "challenged" me to be "more" for God. The problem is that they were often predicated on what I wasn't doing to fulfill "my responsibility" as a follower of Jesus...at least, as what the pastor thought that was.

That is what drives me crazy when I hear people say, "Well, our pastor just preaches the bible." It is impossible to just preach the bible. It must be lived out to be of any effect. If we are conforming ourselves to the image of Jesus, then that means we have meaningful relationships with other believers that support them. It also means that we take discipleship as serious as Jesus did during His time here, which happens only in the context of meaningful relationships and community. I've never met a pastor at a traditional church that has that commitment.

The model I've seen has always been the same: the pastor preaches this "great" sermon that tells me I need to follow/believe/trust in/love/live like Jesus more. Then he goes home and I don't see him, or anyone else from church leadership, again until the next Sunday when he tells me the same thing again, just in different clothing. The only variation is if I happen to be serving on a committee or in a ministry, but the interaction barely gets past nominal personal discussion and generally focuses around whatever program that time is being given for. This is not the biblical model. This isn't what Jesus would be doing.

This all came freshly to mind yesterday when Bob, a member of our congregation, came to our gathered study/worship time. I could see in his eyes that he was hurting and burdened. Bob is one of the precious people of God. He has cognitive, logical and social disabilities, which means he feels free to speak the truth and call it like he sees it. It's always done with kindness, and he brings joy to all of us there. He is truly a full member of our part of the Body. So, I took him outside and talked to him for a while. His dad passed away on Wednesday and grief was just beginning to set in. All this reminded me of my experience at every church I'd ever attended. I could show up heart-heavy and struggling, and no one would notice. Or, if they did, they just basically told me I needed to just keep trusting Jesus/trust Jesus more and that would take care of it. If anyone is paying attention at this point, let me just tell you, don't ever tell that to ANYONE you're ever attempting to console or care for. I talked with Bob the way I wanted to be talked with when I was going through difficult times at the previous fellowships I attended. In the context of our small part of the Body, this happened organically. The Spirit moved, and I with it as servant to the Servant King.

I think we need to take a look at the life of Jesus through new eyes and what that means as we follow His lead. We live and function like we consider it a forgone conclusion, and that will be our downfall if we continue to be that way.

Let us be called to be the love and kindness of Jesus to this world.

Back in...red and denim

2008-03-02T08:18:00.001-08:00

I always loved "Back in Black" by AC/DC. An argument could be made that they are the greatest rock band of all time, but I'll leave that to the music snobs. They aren't my favorite band, but they're in my top five in the rock/metal category.

Well, I am back...mostly. I'm well enough to be up and around. Hopefully it sticks. I felt pretty good yesterday morning, too, and then hit a real low. Either way, I'm making breakfast and trying to do worthwhile things after days of laying on the couch and doing nothing. It wears on you. Especially when you don't have a job and the last of the summer wine (unemployment) ran out two weeks ago.

Nothing more to report on the work front, except more rejection letters. I'm going to fill out a Starbucks application and then copy it about thirty times and turn one in to every one in my city. I'm getting desperate for an hourly job. And, ironically, you're more employable when you already have a job. So, I figure if I get something to get me by, it will help me in more ways than one. We'll see what happens. I'm still shooting for those big jobs, too.

It's been too long since I brewed beer. I miss the experience of it all. I need to get on it. Especially since warmer weather is coming.

I know most of my posts have been pretty inane and about the boring details of my existence. I'd really like to post more on things I'm kicking around in my head. However, I'm not sure that I'm ready to stir the pot and take on the criticism that I'm sure it will bring. Life has been very difficult lately, there's been a lot of struggle in my marriage and I've had depression coming in waves. With that, it's difficult to feel like I want to take on anything else. I suppose that I will see in the days to come. It'd be nice if some fresh thought was met with a warm welcome.

Bleh...

2008-02-27T09:04:00.000-08:00

From "meh" to "bleh". I woke up with severe stomach pains this morning. I've been awake since 2:45 this morning. So, I'm blogging in sick and will return when I no longer feel like I'm about to hurl.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Meh...

2008-02-26T09:37:00.000-08:00

Well, I have a little time to blog today, but I'm drawing a big blank. I have a few things I could say, but they aren't something I've not already said before.

I have a job interview today, and I'm excited about it. We'll see how it pans out. I'll nap afterward. Interviews are intense and draining.

Maybe something later today if I can come up with it.

Queen Latifah is a sell out...or is she?

2008-02-25T08:24:00.000-08:00

People here know I'm big on just being who you are and being comfortable with that. I rail against the constant message from the culture that if we don't look like runway models that we aren't acceptable and that we should never dare to go swimming in public.

Because of this, I've always admired Queen Latifah. I truly think that she's many men's "guilty" celebrity crush because she doesn't look like Gweneth Paltrow or Nicole Kidman. She busts the cultural norms, so most guys wouldn't want to admit to it. I remember having a huge crush on her as a teenager, though, and I still think she does well in defying the cultural norms for beauty and still being considered a gorgeous woman. She just radiates "sexy" and "confident."

So, I about crapped myself when I saw the most recent Jenny Craig commercial, and it featured her. I felt upset. For so long, she has celebrated the fact that she's plus-size and gorgeous. Was she jumping ship to the dark-side? Did she sell out?

Apparently, not, which is an incredible relief to me. We have enough people pissing on us daily in this culture that we need advocates for acceptance where we are. She is an incredibly important person in that "battle." So, when I read this article, I was happy to see that, not only did she not sell out, she's also carrying a message of leading a healthier lifestyle. Nothing more and nothing less. How about that? A message of affirmation of who we are along with a caring call to lead a healthier lifestyle. Isn't that what we really have needed to hear all along?

I truly think that the naziesque standard of beauty in this country has caused more eating disorders than it's prevented. I think the message that Queen Latifah is bearing is one worth repeating. I think that we'd truly see a reduction in the obesity rate (both childhood and adult) and all the other health issues that go along with it if hers was the primary one that was communicated.

Uncle J's Good Fashioned Ol' Timey Pannycakes

2008-02-19T14:06:00.000-08:00

I ripped this off from a recipe website, but read some comments, took some recommendations, did a little refiguring and made it my own. I’ve never been able to make “those” pancakes before. You know, the ones that you have in a restaurant and say, “these are so light, fluffy and delicious…If only I could make these at home.” Well, try this recipe and you’ll never repeat that phrase. If you want them even lighter, you can add an additional tablespoon or two of baking powder. However, I thought these were perfect.

Uncle J’s Good fashioned Ol’ Timey PannyCakes

Serves two, so multiply as necessary

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

2 teaspoons double acting baking powder

3/4 teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon white sugar

1 1/4 cups milk

1 egg

3 tablespoons butter, melted

1 Teaspoon vanilla extract

Method:

Sift the dry ingredients together. Pre-measure all of the wet ingredients and add them to the dry ingredients all at once. Stir gently until it all just barely comes together (about ten to fifteen stirs). It should still be very lumpy. too much stirring makes gluten which makes the pancakes tough. Then leave to sit for ten to fifteen minutes. When ready to cook, melt a small amount of butter (about two teaspoons, give or take) in a skillet over medium-low to medium high heat (depending on your range) or set your electric skillet or griddle to 350F or 175C, and add in the batter, between 1/4 and 1/2 cup at a time, depending on how big you want your pancakes. When done on the first side, the top should be perforated with bubbles that stay. If this hasn’t happened, they won’t be light and fluffy. Flip and cook the other side until browned to your likeness.

Hey! Look MA! Two days in a row!

No Irish Need Apply

2008-02-18T18:50:00.000-08:00

So, I'm doing this whole "looking for work" thing, and I'm trying to take it seriously. Sadly, pounding the pavement is not how you find jobs anymore. It's sitting on your can and looking through thousands of ads on "teh Internets." It gets old to an extrovert who'd actually pay the disgustingly high price for a cup of Starbucks coffee (shudder) so as to get some human interaction that isn't by phone. Hey!...I wonder if they're hiring?

Anyway, I'm trying to find a job. I need to make about $35,000 this year (that's in American dollars, which is the equivalent to Monopoly money if you live in Canada or Life money if the Euro or Pound Sterling is your currency), but I probably need to pull in closer to 40 or 50 if I want to hit all my goals for the year. I have an interview with a "high-end" corporate placement agency on Wednesday.

My ancestry is mainly German and Irish/Scottish. You know, those ethnicities that are famous for getting drunk and fighting. All this time staying boarded up in my apartment is bringing that out in me. I have to work harder to curb my more aggressive tendencies when I'm stuck indoors so much.

I took a walk to take my mind off things and to just spend some time talking to God. As much of a success that I've been lately with school and professional life, my faith has struggled some. What do you do when you have to completely reshape your worldview from scratch? The Holy Spirit has led me new places in my faith over the last year that few others have tread...or rather is it that most aren't treading? I'm not sure. Anyhow, I just spent time talking to God about where He has brought me and reminiscing about where we've been. It was refreshing. I felt His presence in a very strong way.

Some other things came out of my time with Him today (is not all our time in His presence? I wonder where that expression came from), but those are for another post.

Anyway, I'm back on my blogging horse. People can start stopping by regularly again. I'll start visiting others again. I'm gathering steam.

You have died of dysentery

2008-02-17T10:35:00.000-08:00

So, I’ve been gone about a month. Here’s the short of it: I finished my ISP report on my birthday, which you all already know. Then, I got really sick for a couple of weeks. That was followed by a small bout of depression. . .which I was able to get over. Still working through some of the after-effects/thoughts. I started looking for work because I’m pretty much done with school, though I still have my oral report to do, and I am no longer feeling ill. . .besides, my unemployment is about to run out. I make my final claim today, then I’m off the public dole. Benny came out for a short visit/vacation. We tried 37 different beers in 5 days. My liver is still recovering. We got a lot of 2 oz samples of stuff, but still. . . Finally, I applied for and was accepted to the American Brewer’s Guild Brewing School, and my cohort begins in January of 2009.

That last one there really excites me. I’m so totally excited that I am going to get to do what I love for a living. ABG has three primary advantages over Siebel, which I talked about attending at the beginning of the year. First, it’s about half the cost of Siebel. Second, ABG is a six month course, so I can actually digest it all, where Siebel occurs in a total of 12 weeks. Finally, ABG is a distance learning program, so I get to stay where I am and keep a job while I learn. . .for most of the program, anyways. The last five weeks of ABG’s program is at a brewery working in a practical apprenticeship/internship and actually doing the work. I’ll be poised to hop right into the industry when I’m done with my program. It is all quite exciting. I’ll have a job that will be portable to the most exciting parts of the country to live, and Canada. I’ve seen some specials recently that make me really want to move to Vancouver or Victoria, BC. Alaska would be great, too.

However, there’s too much life to be lived to be always living for tomorrow or next year, so I’m here, in the moment. Yesterday queenjaymz and I went on a long hike. We had no idea how long it was going to be when we set out, but we knew where the trail went. 6 miles and an elevation gain, and then drop, of 1500 feet later, we came out. It was incredible. We are blessed to live in such a beautiful part of the country. We saw about ten different waterfalls along the trail, and those are just the ones that aren’t seasonal snow runoff. It left us with a feeling of being able to conquer the greater challenges in life that we face. If God can enable us to kick a mountain’s ass, what can stand in our way? Nothing the Almighty Himself hasn’t destined to, that’s what!

Well, I better go. I need to fix some breakfast. I have an appetite hangover from yesterday, and bacon, eggs and pancakes are calling my name.

Have you talked to your children?

2008-01-22T22:36:00.000-08:00

WOOOHOOOO!!!!

2008-01-21T09:20:00.000-08:00

"She said yes! In your face Springfield!" - Homer J. Simpson

I did it, people. Honestly, I've been too excited since 2a.m. this morning to reflect on anything. For the first time in my life, I intentionally set a meaningful goal for myself, set my own deadline and achieved it. No one told me that I had to do it. I did it. And I did it for myself. Man, it feels good.

Last night, at 1:55 a.m., exactly three hours and fifteen minutes before the twenty-seventh anniversary of my birth, I sent off the last two chapters of my project to my program adviser at Corban College. Sweet lady freedom, let's make out! I will be graduating in May. It is the best birthday gift I could get this year, and I have given it to myself.

Achieving this is just amazing, and it makes me truly believe that I CAN reach the goals I've set for myself this year. How great is that. I'll take a boost of self-confidence (no Enzyte required).

God has really blessed me this year. As I pause to reflect on my life, I contemplate on what He's given me: I have His love, the faithful commitment of a wonderful woman, many friends and cheerers-on who have come alongside me for this journey, I'm involved in a fellowship that is investing in my spiritual growth, and now I have a degree. Oh yeah.

For those of you who can remember the song, I'd say it's been a long December and there's reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last. A really good reason.

Well, now that I've danced my way down the blog post here, I'm going to go dance my way through the rest of the day. And I always dance like no one's watching!

Raised by coffee

2008-01-20T09:51:00.000-08:00

I'm in the middle of this paper completing double marathon (marathon=26 miles, my paper=50 pages, give or take a few) and plan on finishing up today. This coffee-fueled writing binge will come to a close soon. My birthday tomorrow = I'm done. No other options that I see. I just had to pass along this great quote I saw today:

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. - Mark Twain

Thought you all might get a kick out of that. I sure did.

Jared

I sense a disturbance in the force...

2008-01-18T09:23:00.000-08:00

If you've seen Napoleon Dynamite and any of the new Star Wars movies, you must go see this! I laughed my butt off! The preview is embedded below, but you have to go visit the site to see the whole thing. It's worth the short trip. Just click "Play it at Atom"

AtomFilms.com: Funny Videos | Funny Cartoons | Comedy Central

A Geek Yearns for Yesteryear's Noisy Gear

2008-01-16T22:07:00.000-08:00

In the midst of my craziness, I pass on this article to you because it strikes an emotional chord with me. I have memories that I share with this journalist. This is taken from Wired.com. Lore Sjoberg is one of my favorite journalists.

Commentary by Lore Sjöberg

I want to start out here by saying I'm totally in favor of progress when it comes to computers. I understand that I now have enough computing power on my desktop to send the Library of Congress to the moon, and I'm very pleased about that, because if nothing else it means I almost have enough power to navigate Orgrimmar without my frame rate dipping into single digits.

You're not going to hear me complaining about how kids these days don't know how to sharpen a slide rule or extract typewriter ink from the rare but majestic Underwood squid.

Having said that, I've been known to settle back in my easy chair, a snifter of brandy warming in my palm, and indulge in a bit of nostalgia. I'm very happy with the current state of computing, but I have to admit there's one thing I miss about the beige, boxy computers that kept me company through my childhood: The noises they made.

In particular, I miss the warm, grumpy sounds of the floppy drive. I remember sneaking into my grandparents' computer room -- that's right, my grandfather got me into computers; he is an awesome man -- at 6 in the morning, unable to wait until everyone's awake for another round of greenish videogaming. I extract a floppy, an actual floppy that flops, from the treasure-trove of pirated games and slide one into the drive. I switch it on and I'm greeted with a startled beep and a clatter from the hard drive, followed by a series of mechanical grunts as the machine wearily rummages for data.

Looking back, I'm reminded of a Victorian-era butler, awoken by the lord of the manor's young scion, deferentially performing whatever unreasonable duties have been laid upon him. "Yes, yes, you want to play Karateka again, of course, no rest for the weary, I'll just find the data for you shall I? You know, there's a lovely television in the living room, it could ... no, no, you want to punch things, of course, I understand, I'll have it for you in no time."

Better yet, when something went wrong you could hear it. Hell, you could practically feel it. The drive would respond to a corrupt disk with a scraping shudder that resonated in your spinal column. You didn't get a dialog box with an exclamation point and a polite boop, you got a death rattle.

While we're at it, I miss the screeching of the dot-matrix printer. It lent a certain urgency to the creation of yard-sale signs and book reports, like the cries of a thousand paperboys announcing the sinking of the Lusitania. Citizens gather around my printer and world leaders pause in their machinations to await the emergence of my latest document: ASCII art of Mr. Spock.

Skipping ahead about a decade, I also miss modem noise. I have DSL at home now, and the only indication of a healthy connection is a series of identical rectangular green lights. My old 2,400-baud modem used to inform me I was connecting to a dialup BBS with a miniature industrial symphony, the sound of two computers locating each other across a vast expanse like primates in the jungle, only one of the primates has 32-color pictures of naked women for the other primate.

Each new increase in modem speed brought with it new variations on the theme. I particularly enjoyed the whooshing sound of a landing spaceship that came with later, faster modems.

Apparently there are still people who connect using dialup, and Google has evidence that many of those people are searching for a way to turn the connection noises off. Don't do it, people! Treasure what you have, even if it puts your teeth on edge and makes the poodle lose its hair. You hold a small jewel of sonic expression that will soon be lost to the winds of progress. Or just get DSL, it's great.

Post-holiday slump

2008-01-16T10:04:00.000-08:00

Well, as there's been little activity to speak of here, much has gone the same with me. I'm busting my hump to get moving on to the next thing and finish my project for my degree. I'm closing in on it.

But, I'll have something by early next week. I may end up having my muse punch me in the face this week, but that isn't my focus.

So, until I'm done, I'm just pluggin' away at this...

Ancient Ways for the Ancient of Days

2008-01-11T20:24:00.000-08:00

As a practitioner of ancient styles of worship, I’m often asked, “I’m not Catholic/Eastern Orthodox/Anglican/insert pre-reformation ecumenical classification here, why should I give a crap about that?” (Yes, I’ve heard those exact words) The most common objection is to the relevance of the Apostles’ Creed and Liturgical/Ancient ritual style worship.

The reasons to give a crap are multiple and reasonable. Read along with me:

- They connect us to the historical community of faith. They maintain a connection to the faithful of ancient times that carried our central identity (faith in Christ) and faithfully delivered it to us. It reminds us of those who’ve gone before us and reminds us that we are carrying it for the generations to come.

- The Apostles’ Creed being recited together in a community context reminds us the central tenants of the faith that gather us. It also connects us to those who were the doctors of the Church and labored intensely to preserve the purity of the Gospel message. It serves as a positive affirmation of “inclusionism” for what we are about as a community, rather than defining us in more negative exclusionistic terms, as denominations and non-denominationalists tend to do (we aren’t “insert concept, doctrine, or denomination name here”, “we aren’t a denomination” “we aren’t Calvinist” “we aren’t pretorist” “we’re pre-trib” “we’re Wesleyan” “we’re non-denominational”) squeezing out those who don’t agree with minor bents in perspective, rather than embracing those who profess belief in the Author and Perfector of our faith.

- They help us develop a rhythm of faith. I pray the Office every day (though I often miss one of them, and I generally fail completely at hitting Compline). Doing at least two of these every day helps me to refocus and re-center my heart and mind in view of things above (Colossians 3:2). I find myself going back into prayer spontaneously in response to my life, as opposed to spending time worrying about things. It helps me to constantly keep in mind that I need to be approaching life from the message of the Gospel, rather than from self-preservation and self-interest. Getting into a rhythm of faith is what has really conditioned my mind to be doing this.

- Being in a rhythm of faith helps me to be more faithful and passionate in prayer and Scripture reading outside of those ritual/liturgical things I do. I am reminded when I pray that I have not read my Bible yet that day and that I need to figure out a strategy to make room in my day to make that happen. I am reminded that I haven’t yet prayed for my missionaries or those who are seeking my harm, and that I need to do that.

- One good habit tends to lead to another. As I’ve been doing these things, it has helped me to learn what is making this a success and apply that to other parts of my spiritual life, such as developing a regular reading plan for Scripture and sharing prayer time with my wife for the needs of others.

- It helps me to achieve the command of John 15:4. I am developing a pattern of abiding. I guess it applies to the above, too (one good habit leading to something else that is good). God is bearing fruit in my life through this, not really of my own devices. I’m not a natural planner, or naturally diligent in pursuing things that I should (i.e. the spiritual disciplines). This is a huge thing for me.

I could keep going, but I think that suffices to make my point. I would really encourage those of you who read my blog to undertake these practices and see what God grows of it. I was skeptical of what I would experience when I started. It’s taken a few months to sink in (I did grow up as the classic token American evangelical in a non-denominational denomination), but I have really reaped the rewards of it in my spiritual life.